How Women Describe Women

If you’re single, like me, and you have female friends who are not mating options (rare, I know), you’re going to need a guide to understand how they rate their gender-mates. For example, if you hear the description, “She has had some work done,” what should you expect? First, the woman who says this has probably had some work done. The amount of work the describer had done will be proportionate to the amount the subject had. If she says, “She’s had a lot of work done,” you should expect Donald Duck with hair extensions, fake eyelashes, and planet-sized boobs.

Here are other adjectives, and their likely meanings:

  • Bitch – She is not the submissive type.
  • Cunt – Ouch! This would be a bitch with a high level of meanness and the intent of causing emotional injury. She probably has a hot boyfriend who refused to date the describer.
  • Hot Mess – More attractive than the describer, but has a tendency to get drunk, pee next to her car, and still manage to get laid.
  • Yoga Girl – Expect dirty feet, green fluids in her fridge (where beer should be), and sweaty sex.
  • Badass – She makes a fuck-ton of money, and has no intention of spending it on a man.
  • Bubbly – Disconnected from reality. Often giggles or screams for unknown reasons. Loses her phone nightly. Seems to know everyone.
  • Frumpy – Has given up on men, including the one she married. Expect hairy legs and romance novels.
  • Curvy – Same as when men say it: fat.
  • Sassy – Ego puncher who will pick apart everything that means anything to a man. One short stride from full-blown lesbian.
  • High Maintenance – Might as well keep your wallet un-holstered. Expect orders to be customized to the point of causing kitchen anxiety. She’ll order dressing on the side, no olives, and gluten-free items. Expect most meals to be returned to the kitchen three times before consuming. Also, expect zero blow jobs.
  • Ho – Has had sex with the describer’s ex.
  • High Strung – Rarely seen without a massive goblet of Starbucks. Probably takes spin class twice a day, and loves to remind you about it.
  • Unstable – Be careful with this one in public places and around sharp instruments. Best to respond to her leading questions with smiles and nods—words will be misinterpreted, and used against you … forever.
  • Strong-Willed – There are two ways to do something with this woman: her way or your way if it matches her way. Don’t bother taking any stances on politics, religion, or nutrition. Concentrate on her titties. Good boy!
  • Classy – Hides her insecurities behind a veil of high fashion. Don’t let her order the wine. Once you get her naked, you’ll find a different (quite dirty), woman.
  • Easy – She shares your morals and values.

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Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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