How to …

… lose weight, make money, have lots of sex, and watch people fight.

Browse lists of top books, movies, video games, and TV shows. What are the common themes? Fitness, finance, fucking, and fighting. Fabulous! If there were a way to combine them, the creator would have a deadly potion. I’ll brainstorm plots here, perhaps inspiring someone to write it out and be the next sensation.

  1. A chubby girl joins a gym, and hires a personal trainer. He’s an ab-tastic stud, who also happens to train MMA fighters. She decides to become a fighter. She trains, loses weight, and falls in love with her trainer. They have lots of sweaty sex. She beats up mean girls, becomes a world champion, and makes a fortune in endorsements.
  2. A married man lets himself go, and has his beer-filled belly kicked to the curb by his wife. Let’s raise the stakes by giving him something to fight: cancer. Just when he’s about to end it all by jumping from the roof of his office building, he falls in love with a window washer. She inspires him to drink jasmine tea and take yoga. His cancer goes into remission. They screw often. He helps her create a YouTube video sensation called “Tea and Yoga.” The dollars come rolling in. His ex-wife gets none of the F-you money.
  3. A tuba player in the high school band is ridiculed by the popular kids for being a bit oval. He’s pissed, but he also has asthma so he can’t fight. He falls in love with a flutist, who is also beefy. They begin playing beach volleyball for fun. Next thing you know, the weight starts falling off both of them. His asthma goes away. They’re discovered by a US Olympic team scout and signed. They lose their virginity simultaneously and fuck constantly on the way to winning the first co-ed gold. Huge endorsements line their pockets.
  4. A college girl wants badly to lose her virginity, to no avail. She’s in love with the center on their basketball team, but he’s in love with a skinny bimbo cheerleader with big fake knockers and rich parents. The virgin hires a porn star to teach her how to give a blowjob. She opens a massage parlor to practice. All the yanky-cranky helps her lose weight. The center pulls a muscle and goes to see the virgin for a massage. She pulls his main muscle, and loses her virginity to him. His girlfriend walks in on them, mid-boning. The until-recently virgin beats her skanky Barbie butt. Basketball dude proposes. They marry. He’s signed by the Knicks. They star in a reality TV show and make millions.

Hey, wait a minute. I’m a fucking writer. What business do I have giving away all of my brilliant plots? Don’t you dare write any stories based on these. In fact, don’t even mention them to any of your greedy friends who might steal my ideas for their blogs. These are mine.

You don’t need to lose weight, etc. I suggest you write a cookbook. Another F: food! Hmm. How about a chick who cooks naked and loses weight in the kitchen while she prepares amazing feasts? Yes! Her cameraman gets excited. The two get intertwined while dining, and create an arsenal of gourmet meatballs. They film a new Food Network show called “Meatball Wars,” where they fight other couples … naked. Brilliant!

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.