How to Grab a Man by His Junk*

grabbananaSince our president-elect has mastered the art of grabbing a woman by her pussy, I thought it would be only fair for me to provide some guidance around grabbing men. Lord knows, it should be much easier. I mean, it’s kind of just hanging there like a handle. It screams, “Pull me!” Heck, I bet most people could do it blindfolded.

To be fair, the art of grabbing a penis if often affected by the elements. I’ll be sure to cover each in depth below. These usually don’t apply to pussy grabbing. Consider grabbing a penis in a walk-in freezer. That little fucker (tee hee) will require precise maneuvers. Conversely, a pussy doesn’t shrink in cold weather, does it? Nope. The method remains like the bowling ball grip: Thumb up, middle and ring fingers curled, pinky and index fingers extended. Thumb extension helps prevent accidentally poking the anus. The extended fingers act like the walls of a bobsled course, keeping you centered.

Enough about the obvious. Let’s learn how to grab a penis, shall we?

First, in cold weather, it is best to approach pimple penis as you would a zipper tab. Or, think about how you’d tweak a nipple. Curl your thumb and index finger, space them one inch, extend arm toward crotch, grab, and yank gently. Repeat until other fingers become necessary. If they don’t, giggle, Purell your hand, and leave.

If the target penis is beneath tight jeans, this will require some reconnaissance. You must determine if the shlong is dangling left or right of the seam. If it’s dark just assume it’s right (which is your left, silly). Best to make eye contact with the penis carrier to keep him distracted. Ask him a jock-wannabe question, such as, “Hey, is Connor McGregor the top pound-for-pound fighter of all time?” This penis, since constricted, requires a full open-handed approach. Cup the crotch like a grapefruit, squeeze gently to confirm the angle of the dangle, then grab firmly. Best not to yank. I suggest rubbing. Yanking may cause beer spillage.

For sneak attacks (oh, these are my favorite), it is best to approach from behind. Let’s say you’re at the gym. This an ideal place for cock-grabbery. Find an ape wearing shorts who is standing at a machine full of cables. Once he begins his exercise, make your approach. The thing to keep in mind here is that his stanky ass and balls are in the way. That means you’ll need to use more arm and wrist action. I find it best to drop to a knee behind him (a la the Kaepernick douche stance). Use the same arm as the knee that’s down, extend inside his knee, and curl upwards. Try to align your wrist with his oniony testes. That should place your palm mid-sausage.

Finally, how does one grab a sleeping penis? This must be done gently and, unless you’re wearing a helmet and facemask, I recommend this also be done from behind. This will be an around-the-torso maneuver as opposed to the tween-legger. Tilt your head down in case he jerks his head back to avoid breaking your nose. Lift the sheets. Steady yourself then snake your arm around him, hovering around six inches above his hip. Extend fingers at the top of his boxers. Slide your hand through his waistband, and you go get that love snake, girly! Mm, hmm.

*Disclaimer: Don’t do this to children or Republicans.