How to fib on Facebook.

Not that you’d ever do such a thing. You’re entirely too honest and sharing. Yet, you must admit there are lighter lies, which should be deployed in order to duck a stalker, avoid hurting someone’s feelings, keep from being scolded like an infant, or having children/roommates/crooks take advantage of your absence. Facebook enables your fibbery (new word). You simply need to know what’s involved in concocting the fabrication.

Please allow Attorney (not) Phil to guide you.

Step 1: Do not allow anyone to tag you without your approval. You’ll get yourself into enough hot water; you don’t need some hyper-photo-active nitwit to tag you in an unflattering photo. Examples I’ve seen mostly involve restroom stalls, unsightly stains, or exposed parts of your body you’d rather not have exposed. Alt+Tab over to Facebook right now and click the down triangle on the upper-right, Privacy Settings, Edit Settings next to How Tags Work, then turn on Timeline Review and Tag Review, and turn off Friends Can Check You In. That should partially cover your mischievous little butt.

Step 2: Misdirection. You don’t actually need to be in a certain place to claim you are there. Let’s say your mother has been eying your wine tower, discovering the vodka in the freezer, and plotting an intervention. This is not good. One must drink. If you continually check in at pubs, clubs, and wine bars, you’re going to feed her neuroses. She’s going to vent to your father about her displeasure with your activities (probably in a foreign language) and, since his gene pool will be implicated, he’ll be displeased with your Facebook-documented binges. Hence, tag yourself at church, a homeless shelter, or a library. Make sure any associated photos don’t include purple tongues, martini glasses, or beer bongs.

Step 3: Use code words for certain activities that only your closest friends know. This is important. Your boss or prospective employer will check social media to see if you’re a miscreant and, although they won’t admit it, they will judge you thereby. (I proudly admit that I am a scoundrel and I don’t give a doo-doo because I’m the boss of me.) So, when you post a status update, use code words. Here’s a handy guide I’ll license you for the fee of one chilled tequila with lime and salt:

  • Bar -> Office
  • Dancing -> Working
  • Doing Shots -> Making Copies
  • Buying Shoes -> Visiting the Fruit Stand
  • Getting Laid -> Bowling
  • Watching Porn -> Sorting Recipes
  • Hangover -> Migraine
  • Public Urination -> Watering the Lawn
  • Vomiting -> Talking with an Old Friend, Burt
  • Masturbating -> Doing Laundry
  • Wine Guzzling -> Making a Stew
  • Hair Removal or Trimming from Privates -> Vacuuming
  • Smoking Weed -> Baking
  • On the Toilet -> Taking Your Children to the Pool (WARNING: This only works if you have brown children or white poo.)

Let’s say you spent last night getting hammered at an Irish pub, you don’t remember how you got home, and you woke up with your underwear in your pocket. You can’t very well post that, now can you? Instead, post “I woke up with a migraine, but after sorting recipes and doing laundry, I worked it off at my office. Right now I’m making copies and hoping to go bowling later tonight.”

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Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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