How To Date Writers

It cracks me up when the woman I’m dating says, “You’re not allowed to write about this.” That, to me and my fellow scribes, is a dare we cannot resist. Of course, I’m going to write about this. Oh, I’ll exaggerate, embellish, and change the names, but write is what I do.

I suppose if you’re dating a reporter or children’s book author, you wouldn’t need to be concerned. If you’re targeting a romance author, you’re going to plague him with questions like, “You did what with whom?” He’ll remind you it’s just fiction. You’ll pry further. At some point, he’ll say the writing was inspired by a friend’s relationship. (Creative fuckers, aren’t we?)

Often, women will wonder why an author would type such short text messages. They expect prose in every response. For us, writing is work, my dear. The goal of our work (entertainment or education) is different than the goal of a text message (make a single point). If we were to approach texting as we do our writing, it would take days to respond, by the time our editor was done redlining. So, please don’t date a writer because you expect ladyboner material every time your phone dings.

I’m not trying to dissuade you from dating writers. I’ve ridden my king bed solo long enough. Writers need loving too—perhaps even more than most. If you find one who suits your taste, and you have the capacity to separate the art from the artist, writers can stimulate you in unique ways. Our minds go places, and we enjoy appreciative company. Heck, be good to a writer and you could wind up on a dedication page.

Should you read his books? That depends. The last thing Mr. Scribbles wants to do is defend his work. Unless you’re his editor or publisher (in which case he must be insane), he doesn’t want unsolicited suggestions. If you can appreciate his work, whether or not you enjoy it, and express your appreciation instead of critique, then, by all means, read him.

Perhaps this is something new for you. You haven’t dated a writer. You could use something different. Well, I live in Carlsbad. Look me up. (Kidding … kind of.) There places most likely to find writers are bookstores and coffee shops. Writers who hang out in bookstores are typically aggrandizing pricks, unless they happen to be doing a signing or reading. I suggest you take your laptop to Starbucks and hunt for your man there.

The prime target is the man suffering from writer’s block. Look for the one staring off into space, who occasionally looks down, types a sentence, reads it, backspaces over it, and stares back into the beyond. He needs inspiration, and that’s you. Walk over and say, “Hi, whatcha doin’?” He’ll confess to clogged cranium, and welcome the break. Be his muse. Help him escape himself.

Once you start dating, avoid the common pitfalls. Writing is his job. Let him do that, uninterrupted unless that interruption involves you being naked, of course. Be prepared to defend your man to friends and family who don’t appreciate him the way you do. Tell them that everyone has different tastes, and theirs basically sucks. Oh, how he’ll adore you for defending his passion! Be his biggest fan, and he may tickle your senses, eternally.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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