How To Date The Last Man

That’s the goal, right? You’ve waded through this sea of dysfunctional tadpoles to find the best fit. You’ve tolerated all sorts of masculine silliness. You’ve experienced varieties of physical and emotional approaches. From those, you’ve identified your preferences. Heck, knowing you, you’ve probably made a list. If your list reads, “I just want someone to respect me, and hold my hand,” you’ve come a long way, baby.

So, where is your prince? Chances are very good you’ve already met him. In fact, he could be in the same room with you as you read this. You’ve spent years fighting off Nature’s suggestion, haven’t you?

“He’s the one.”

“No. He’s a friend. I could never date him.”

“Yes, you could, and you should.”

“No. It would complicate everything. It wouldn’t work out, and I’d lose a treasured friendship.”

“… unless it simplifies everything and becomes so much more.”

“I don’t think we’re compatible.”

“You know you are. You’re chicken.”

“He slept with one of my friends.”

“Didn’t you set them up?”

“Yes, but if he was into me, he wouldn’t have done that.”

“How could he think you were into him, when you set him up with someone else?”

“I don’t know. He’s doesn’t want me like that.”

“Yes, he does. He wants you like no other, and if you both would stop wasting time building hurdles between you, maybe you’d find what was right in front of you all this time.”

Don’t argue with Nature. That’s a horrible long-term strategy. Go with her, and enjoy her fruits.

The first place you should have looked for your lifetime love was next to you, but, you didn’t. You ran through the forest, following the maze of paths carved by women before you. Sure, you netted a few broncos along the way, but where are they now? Better question: Where are YOU know?

Drop everything right this moment! (OK, don’t be so literal. Give me a paragraph, first.) If he’s in the room, walk over to him, take his face in your hands, look into his eyes, tell him you love him, and kiss him. I don’t give a shit if you’re at work, in church, or at Target. Do it. Don’t be cautious. Don’t regard anything or anyone around you—just him. Put this book down, and get in his face. If he’s not here, go to him. If he’s in another state, call him. Stop making excuses.

Now, put this fucking book down, and embrace the love you’ve earned.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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