How To Date Religious Men

No, I’m not referring to men of the cloth. I mean the guy who constantly refers to his good friend, Jesus. If you share his enthusiasm for mythology, you’ll still collide on a few issues, but not nearly as many as you will if you’re god-free (like me).

For some odd reason, highly religious guys are typically a bit misogynistic. Could it be because the old curmudgeons who wrote those scriptures were all about keeping slaves? Perhaps. Whatever the reason, your man needs to know that mistreatment won’t be tolerated. He needs to worship you like Mother Mary, or amscray.

However, I bet he has no problem treating you like Whore Mary in the bedroom (when you’re in the mood for such a thing). I can’t tell you what should tickle your petunia; that’s your thing. If you need a few smacks on the tuckus, some hair pulling, and dark fantasy to get you there, this should be a highly-qualified guy.

You see, religious men have so much pent up guilt, they need to vent that shit. Luckily for them, they can go tell some perverted old bastard they are sorry, and all is forgiven—no eternal bonfires for them.

Naturally, the church is a great place to meet this man. Pull up a pew nearby and check him out before approaching him. If the church features sing-along, you’ll see if he’s going to embarrass the shit out of you at a karaoke bar. If there’s kneeling, squatting, and bowing, you’ll see how pliable his joints are. When the good ole wicker basket makes it way down the aisle, you’ll see what sort of spender he is. (If he throws change in, or takes change for a fiver, get ready for a frequent dose of Arby’s).

If he hasn’t given you reason not to, it’s best to approach this deluded ding-dong in the vestibule. (Google that shit.) He won’t be able to escape so easily. I recommend you ask him to share a latte, while explaining how exactly that Noah dude was able to build a fucking aircraft carrier, without rivets.

Wouldn’t it be best to chase a fellow who is spiritual, not religious? It would free up Sunday mornings for … you know. You still get to enjoy all the holiday fun (food and eggnog), without “Jesus said …” being constantly thrown in your face. Yoga is spiritual. You like yoga. This guy’s perfect unless he’s one of those hyper-sweat machines. Yuck.

Just avoid all of the nonsense by finding guys with similar beliefs to yours, or none. Guys who have no beliefs know how to behave properly and live it up since there’s only one life to live.


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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.