How To Date Recently Divorced Men

Before you shy away from this guy, consider that a man who was married has a tendency to be better trained. He just might put down the toilet seat, and put dirty dishes in the dishwasher, instead of on the counter above it.

Before you approach this fellow, you need to do some reconnaissance. The trick is, you can’t ask him, because he’ll lie. A man’s ego is quite a fucking burden, believe me. You can’t ask his ex-wife either, because if she tells you he is wonderful, she’s just setting up someone (yes, you) for future commiseration.

You need to observe him in action and interact with his male friends to see how he responds.

If his ex-wife ripped his heart out, sprayed it with Sriracha, stomped on it, and then tossed it into the garbage disposal, he’s going to be fragile. Every time your mobile phone lights up, he’s going to assume it’s some thick-cocked hunk calling for a midnight rendezvous.

Ouch.

If he did something awful in his marriage like got his secretary pregnant, and shared her vaginal warts with his wife, you need to know this before accepting that free drink. It isn’t a bad idea to Google his ass. If you don’t find anything, go to his hangout and ask a cute bartender about him. Female bartenders know everything about their male patrons. I’ve received a few stop-staring-at-my-ass stinkeyes.

There’s also the chance that his marriage ended amicably. (Right.) No, really. It can happen. My ex-wife and I are still buddies. Seriously. Fine. Whatever. It can happen. You need to discern if he is being honest when he says, “We just grew apart.” Usually, that means they stopped fucking. Or, the fucking became one-way, without nearly the give-and-take it once had.

(Reminds me of one of my favorite jokes: Why don’t women blink during foreplay? There isn’t time. Uk, uk, uk!)

Anywho, if the guy was married for a decade or so, maybe has a couple two-tree kids, and has recently, reluctantly re-entered the dating pool, he could be quite a catch. What this little fellow needs is ego-stroking and encouragement.

You may borrow from these phrases sure to make his manhood swell:

  • Honey, your arms and shoulders look so defined. You must be working out every day.
  • I can’t believe you look so young for your age. Good genes!
  • My girlies as tell me how lucky I am to have a man like you.
  • I can’t believe your ex let you go. Her loss–my gain.
  • You’re such a gentleman. Can you teach a class on how to treat a woman properly?

He’ll be putty, I mean granite in your hands.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.