How to Date Men


Odds are somewhere between 99% and 100% of your romantic relationships have ended. You are the common denominator, so logic would say you suck at relationships.

I wouldn’t.

You see, at this point, 100% of my relationships ended. Some served their purpose and ended nicely, while others definitely failed. I’ll not take or assign blame to either party involved. Olive oil and balsamic vinegar are each wonderful, but they don’t mix. The problem is in the mixing.

In this book, I lend my expertise as the datee, not the dater. I’m the man who knows men, and how you can net the one you want (for the time being). True, we men are slightly different, so you need to approach your prey appropriately.

Don’t go hunting birds with hammers, my dear.

Let’s say you’d like to date a married man whom, I assume, you’re not married to. That’s quite an evil desire, according to some. I’m not here to judge. Perhaps you want to bed a man who desperately needs something new, and who will leave you alone thereafter. Fine. Well, you need to approach this fellow a certain way. (It’s in here.)

What inspired me to write this, aside from desperately needed therapy I get from venting? Amazon recommended a book for me, like they do, and usually do pretty well. The book was entitled, How to Date Asian Women.

I shit you not.

I thought, What could possibly be any different about Asian women, and what sort of freak(s) would need a fucking book to lay it out? I’m sure it’s chock full of little ditties like “Best to avoiding binding her feet.”

Then I considered all the different breeds of men there are, including, but certainly not limited to:

  • Short
  • Older
  • Hairy
  • Feminine
  • Overweight
  • Brown
  • Drunken
  • Golfers

I’ve got plenty of these breeds in my life. I witness the dysfunctional approaches of interested parties. I slap my growing forehead and exclaim, “You’re going about him all wrong, darling!”

So, whether you’ve targeted or already adopted a man-puppy, Coach Phil is here to help. Have a seat on my knee, ingest your social lubrication of choice (wine is fine), and pay attention. He’ll be yours in no time, kiddo.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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