How To Date Men


When you re-enter the murky dating pool after a series of relationship flops, you need to be prepared. If you’re even slightly more attractive than a day-old roast beef sandwich, you’re going to filter through lots of lying men. It’s best to have a strategy in place, or you’ll waste many nights you would have been better-served spending with Netflix.

I know your girlies and you constantly disregard men who are follically-, vertically-, or financially-challenged. What this has caused is a gross exaggeration and mirror blindness for men who create dating profiles that are as accurate as a rusty scale on carpeting. You did this. Own it, woman. It’s time you admit to yourself the reality that Channing Tatum is not online fucking dating. I’m not saying you should settle, but bring it down a few notches, and stop disqualifying dudes who might have other redeeming qualities, like the ability to be loyal, and cook a decent meal.

Now, whereas you’re comfortable playing the passive role at the local meat market, that shit doesn’t fly online. If you sit back and wait, you’re going to waste many nights sipping Port wine with a hairy thing in a Hawaiian shirt, Teva sandals, and three of his own remaining teeth. No bueno. Instead of kicking the overly ambitious pugs to the curb, you become the hunter and seek something studly. Disregard age and concentrate on geographic availability. You want to find a local man available to answer the call when the call is made. Also, don’t worry about how he delivers the goods (might involve tiny blue vitamins), just that they arrive as expected when expected.

While I’m asking you to be aggressive, I’m also going to add “within reason,” so you approach the cum-hungry-slut line without crossing it. If you cross that line, he will spend one or two nights tops with you, then tell all of his buddies, thus discounting them as future playthings. Email him, tell him he’s cute, then suggest you meet for a latte. If, when you meet him you find he has potential, make just enough physical contact to suggest potential mating ahead. This could be a hug, kiss on the cheek, thigh/arm squeeze, or gentle fanny pat.

Once you’ve parted thigh for your guy, you’ll inevitably reach a common hurdle: Do I take my dating profile down? I say no—at least not until you’re positive he has taken his down, introduced you as his girlfriend, and updated his Facebook Relationship status. Leave your options open, and give him something to work towards. When he fucks up, do a little mate search, just so your profile says “Active in the past 24 hours.” If he gets all pissy-eyed over it, tell him you were letting a girlfriend use your profile to check out the men before she joins. Works like a charm.

Here are a few tips for your profile. Keep it brief. Be vague about children, pets, and beliefs. Show cleavage (if you have some). Spell-check. Please, fucking spell-check. I’m begging you. Mix your/you’re, there/their, and it’s/its, or abbreviate you (u) and be (b), and he will block you, probably lose his shit, and go on a rampage smashing keyboards and kicking kittens.

Good luck with your online cock shopping. I hope is it fruitful.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.