How To Date Longtime Single Men

Specifically, I’m referring to men who have previously cohabitated with the finer sex, but not in the past five-plus years. Why is this its own genre? Because we—I mean they are rare birds, requiring special handling.

As a man spends more and more time alone, or with pets, he begins to develop an intolerance. Now, Ms. Lovely, I am not insisting that all women cause high blood pressure. That would be an unfair generalization, which would land me in the No-Pussy-for-You Club. My point is that the level of nonsense a man will put up with is inversely proportional to the number of years he had been alone, and directly proportional to the time passed since he last penetrated something other than his fist.

Here’s the equation to help:

a * Years Alone = 1/a * Her Shit Put Up With

So, if I—I mean he were alone for ten years, he will put up with precisely one-tenth of the amount of female silliness he would put up with if alone for one year. To further break down the equation, I’ll offer examples for “Her Shit Put Up With.”

  • Facial creams on his sink.
  • Anything Kardashian on his HDTV, including the lesbian father.
  • Soy milk, Greek yogurt, tempeh, hummus, or any similar non-meat in his fridge, stealing precious space from life’s essentials: beer.
  • Panties on the doorknob.
  • Any text message that refers to the number of drinks had, or expected pub departure time.

If, young lady, you can control yourself, and avoid being that black gnat in his eye, you’ll find this man is quite a catch. Yes, he is. You want a strong man who knows what he wants, correct? Well, that requires him to know what he doesn’t want. So, if he’s willing to take you home, and get your makeup all over his pillowcase, you’ve leaped quite a hurdle.

Now, how does one find Mr. NotSoNeedy? Simple. You’ll find him calmly sitting bar-side, watching the telly while occasionally giggling, and sipping his frosty beverage. He’ll be admiring nearby couples by wrinkling his reddish nose. His reaction to lovers is similar to yours when you see mandals or excessive nose hair. Don’t be dissuaded. Approach him, and express your shared disgust with the public face-suckers. Tell him you’ve sworn off men. I assure you, this will only hasten your trip to his pad. A man loves a challenge, as long as it stops leaving its earrings on his bedside table.

Once you begin extracting him from reclusion, do so gently. Don’t be a pest. If he angers you, vent to a bestie. If he provides excessive radio silence, appreciate the fact that he’s not stalking you. Heck, you might learn to enjoy your man-free time. Another thing to consider is that since he isn’t taking up so much of your time, it frees you up for more shopping, and/or men.

The main thing is to make the best of (e.g. stay naked) what limited time you spend with Man Solo, then, well, have you tried Uber?

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Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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