How To Date Kinky Men

Things have been ho-hum in the bedroom, have they? Your previous lover was as exciting as soccer? Well, what you need is a little visit from Dr. Clittickler and his bag of naughty goodies.

Hey, don’t feel guilty at all. It’s easy to slip into routine sex. If you’ve caught yourself saying any of the following, you’re afflicted.

  • We always do it in the same position.
  • He has actually fallen asleep while inside me.
  • I can’t even remember what a tongue feels like down there.
  • It’s only fun when we’re wasted.
  • Where would I be without my vibrator?

You’re ready. You’ve identified what may be Mister Spice-It-Up-Like-Tapatio. He gave you that look—you know, the one suggesting he may leave a mark or two. Time to make your move. No, don’t grab the closest candle and spill wax on his crotch … not yet, at least. Get close, whisper something dirty in his ear, then bite him gently on the lobe.

If he happens to be über-kinky, he’ll probably try to bang you in the restroom or parking lot. Hey, it’s all good, as long as you wash your hands afterward. Another fine place is a stairwell or fire escape. If you’re caught without your handy dandy knee pads, no worries. Tell him to take off his shirt then go ahead and kneel on it.

Guys like this love playing Daddy discipline games, so expect a few mitt prints on your buttocks. Don’t fret. They’ll be gone by morning. He’ll probably say some nasty things too. It’s quite possible he’ll call you a dirty skank. Resist the temptation to deliver a nad punch, unless he requests it.

(This all confuses the pee out of me because any man who is turned on by the thought of disciplining offspring in such a manner is way fucked up. This is far beyond my field of expertise. Carry on.)

When he drags you into his condo by your hair, expect to find a multitude of kinkery, like:

  • Pornography
  • Sex dolls
  • Lube with a pump dispenser in every room
  • Outdoor swing sets … indoors
  • Jenga-Styled furniture and pillows, with which he props up various parts of women

Again, don’t panic. Go with it. In fact, step it up a notch by telling him you’ve seen better kinkery in a church basement. Say, “Is that all you got?” Then, demand to explore his collection of strap-on man-parts. What? He no gots? That’s awful. What an amateur! His only possible redemption will be a case of glass dildos and food you can fuck with. Avoid the habaneros.

Enjoy the fifty plus shades of this freak before he winds up in prison. I’d look out for little red pin lights, and one-way mirrors. Oh, and please document it all on Instagram.

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Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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