How To Date Italian Men

It’s good to know we get free passes to be fill-in-the-blank-ist when we are members of the group we are referring to. I am Italian—100%. That means I can use the D-word and the W-word without harming my social standing. Now, listen up, my greaseballas.

Here are generalizations I’ve heard about Italian men:

  • We are all in the Mafia.
  • We beat and mistreat our women.
  • We have oily hair and skin.
  • We are furry.
  • We can’t be faithful.
  • We worship our mothers and the sauce they make.

I’ll not deny or agree with these, nor will I be offended by them. Actually, I find them chuckle-worthy. (And, if you don’t, you should expect to find a horse head in your bed in the morning, faccia a culo.) But, if you are considering dating Vito, allow me to suggest some reasons you should:

  • He’ll cook for you.
  • He’ll scare the fuck out of your ex.
  • He’ll peel off a hundy when requested.
  • Viagra won’t be necessary.
  • Your children will behave, or else.
  • You’ll gain a legion of relatives.

All Vito expects from you is to be faithful, and not throw things at him like his Aunt Mary once did when he tried to paint the dog.

We’ve all heard about the “Friday night other woman.” Unacceptable. How does one keep an Italian man faithful? Lots of sex and appreciation is a good start. Then, beg his mother for recipes. She can be bought.

If you’ve targeted Vinny, and you have no idea how to get him into your gondola, consider me your gondolier. First, keep in mind his ego is as big as Aunt Josie’s antipasto. Play to that. Walk up, grab his tie, pull him closer, and say, “Hey, handsome. Want to share a Chianti with me?”

Always offer to pay, but don’t ever actually whip out a card. He’ll be offended, especially if someone sees it. Just give thanks and praise, then promise repayment in the form of a nice home-cooked meal, or sex.

You need to have his parents, uncles, aunts, siblings, etc. all love you. (I skipped cousins because those are usually devious bastards who will either feed you false information or hit on you.) How do you get Paulie’s peeps to like you? Simple. Feed them.

Petey is one hairy goomba, so deal with it. Do not suggest that he should shave his chest or arms. Trimming is fine. If you’re kind enough, he might agree to groom outback or over last night’s newspaper. If not, deal with it. Sorry about the curlies on the soap. You should have bought the liquid stuff.

Well, best wishes with Tony. He’s a good-a boy.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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