How To Date Horny Men

I hear you, sweetness: “What man isn’t horny?”

Well, some are exceptionally horny. They might even have stronger sex drives than you. Imagine that.

Before we go any further, you need to be prepared for the inevitable. You will, at multiple times in various places, find this man masturbating. Don’t take it personally. Consider it a kind gesture on his part to not beg you for sex when you aren’t necessarily in the mood. Is it so awful to have him deposit his seed in a place where it won’t be running down your thigh?

Speaking of deposits, you need to also prepare for the places, which could include, but not be limited to:

  • The shower.
  • The toilet.
  • The closet. (This may involve a tube sock. Apologies.)
  • In front of the computer.
  • Over a sink.

None of these are cause for alarm. You don’t want to find him doing it in the car while parked in front of church, school, or Target. Those would be bad.

Got it?

So, how do you date ole Spanky? You’re going to need to give him lots of sex—a given. As long as you train him in the proper sharing of orgasmic duties, all is well. Dangle that vaginal carrot, and he’ll be your puppet. Remind him that ladies always come first, unless they defer.

Now, some of these lads are also kinky. He may want to introduce food, porn, or dirty talk into the festivities. You OK with that? Cool. Porn isn’t so bad. Focus on the shaven privates, ignore the “witty” dialog and over-acted grunting, and you’ll be fine. Set ground rules in advance, including a safe word. (I recommend, “Ouch, quit it, fucker.”)

Let’s say you’ve been dating Mr. Sleepy, and you’re ready for a little more action. You see frothed up Freddie across the bar, who’s constantly adjusting his package. When you say hi, he looks you straight in the boobs and gurgles like a toddler. Could be worse. Undo that top button and challenge him to pool. Always go for the long shots, which require you to bend over the table. Before long, he’ll be a stiff mess. Just get him home before he makes cumsies in his jeans.

I recommend you take this handy shopping list to prepare for your relationship:

  • Astroglide
  • Lysol Wipes (Clean your remote weekly.)
  • Tide to Go Instant Stain Remover (Get the 3-pack and keep one in your purse.)
  • Ice Packs
  • Optional – The TLC CyberSkin Vibrating Perfect Butt (If you think I could make this shit up, search for it on Amazon. I dream of the day when an Amazon drone drops this in my driveway.)

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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