How To Date Honest Men


You say you want to know what he’s thinking. You want the truth from him. You want to trust that he’ll keep his promises. You want honest opinions.

Are you sure?

I’ve found my honesty is appreciated only when it reinforces her stance, otherwise, it causes conflict. Conflict causes resentment, which causes punishment, which causes scarcity of the benefits expected from the relationship. Hence, when honesty will cause a loss, logical men like me will adjust to avoid the loss. We’d rather be happy than right.

I’m not convincing you, am I? Fuck.

Look, you can’t fault a fellow for being dishonest unless he is caught in his lie. Therefore, his fault lies not in his dishonesty, but in his carelessness. You don’t want to date careless men. I understand completely. He should care enough about the relationship to obscure the things that would hurt it. Otherwise, send him packing. Reckless men are more dangerous than mysterious men.

I can tell by the I-outta-be-a-lesbian look on your face that I’m not getting through. Fine.

Where does one find an honest man? Beats me. Church? Oh, hell no, not even during bingo or an AA meeting. Court? You must be kidding. Lawyers will say whatever it takes to keep that meter ticking. In uniform? What? Really? You want to date Police, Firemen, and Soldiers because they are honest people, not because a shirtless version on a romance novel cover got you dewy? Stop.

Try this. Go to a bar. (Most couples meet in a bar. Deal with it.) Scope out a single guy—no ring, by himself, contently checking his phone. Sit next to him, and ask how the food is. If you detect an honest answer, proceed along these lines:

  1. Would you date a woman who slept with you the first night you met?
    • No. (Buzz!)
    • Yes, if the sex was good. (Ding!)
  2. What’s the youngest age of a woman you would consider dating.
    • Any number over 18. (Buzz!)
    • 18. (Ding!)
  3. Have you ever cheated on a lover?
    • No. (Buzz!)
    • You bet. (Ding!)
  4. What do you think about fake boobs?
    • Prefers whatever you’re sporting. (Buzz!)
    • I like all boobs. (Ding!)
  5. How often do you masturbate?
    • Rarely. I prefer the real thing. (Buzz!)
    • Made belly puddles a few hours ago. (Ding!)

If you got the right answers, he’s your man. I suggest you avoid asking him how your ass looks in those jeans, if he’s been checked for Chlamydia recently, and if he has a fuck buddy. Stick to the weather, movies, and current events. Enjoy your saint until you stumble upon his horns.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.