How To Date Gentlemen


Women seem to fall into three categories here. They either expect, appreciate, or are uncomfortable when treated like a lady. I’m sure it has something to do with their fathers. No matter. We like what we like, right?

You can tell which type of woman you are by gauging your response when a man holds a door for you. When I open a door and hear, “I can open my own goddamn door,” I expect to be pulling some hair, and slapping some ass later. I also expect a nice western omelet and lightly buttered toast in the morning. When I hear, “Thank you,” I continue to lay on the charm by pulling out her chair, allowing her to order first, and walking her to her door.

Let’s say you’re tired of those butt welts, and would like to target a gentleman. How can you identify one? Simple. If you’re in a bar (a lovely idea), watch how he treats the servers. If there’s lots of “please” and “thank you,” and minimal whining, he could be one. If he sits facing the door, he could be one, or he could be violating his parole. If he keeps his eyes on his date and off his phone and various bar sluts, he could be one.

OK, so how do you approach him? Simple again. Lock eyes with him for two seconds, smile, and look away. More than two seconds is fucking creepy. Don’t. No need to lick your lips or wink. He’ll get the message. Now, these fellows may or may not be the confident type. If he sprints over to you, game on, but don’t be surprised if he lays back. It’s all right. You can approach him. You be the confident one. Walk over, point to his face, and ask, “Is this seat taken?”

Uck, uck, uck! I’m such a kidder!

How about this? Simply walk over and say hi. You can extend your hand, palm down. If he doesn’t stand up, take your hand, and introduce himself, I say move along. If he tries to kiss your hand, he’s overdoing it. Wipe your hand on your skirt and walk away. But, if he is polite as expected, clear the bar skanks, and begin heavy pursuit.

By the end of this encounter, he should use your name when addressing you (hey, he remembered), ask for your number, and booked a first proper date at an establishment you hinted about. He should walk you out to your car, opening all doors along the way. He should wait for you to unlock your car door, then give you a gentle one-arm hug, a peck on the cheek, and ask if you’re OK to drive, before loading you into your car, and wishing you a safe ride home. If he does any of the following, he’s not a gentleman. Lose his number.

  • Chest bumps the bartender.
  • Pees in the bushes.
  • Grabs a six-pack to go without inviting you to partake.
  • Says something corny like, “Peace out, yo.”
  • Attempts to French kiss you.
  • Texts you a selfie during your ride home.

If he behaved properly, you may have a keeper. I’m not suggesting you begin wedding cake tasting, Princess. Slow and steady wins the race. Let those welts on your ass heal, and enjoy your new fellow. Heck, he may even wash his hands before attempting to pluck your pink fiddle.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.