How To Date Festive Men

Got your eyes on a fellow proudly wearing an ugly sweater? If he has on a Santa cap and is defiling a wine glass with an obnoxious ornament, he’s got you gooey? Please tell me he doesn’t have mistletoe hanging in the kitchen doorway. He does? Lovely.

Well, I hope you are introverted because there’s not enough room under the spotlight for both of you. He’ll be pulling you around to all his houseguests, introducing you to people who will look at you and wonder how he did it. Best if you find a comfy chair and glass of Sambuca, as you wait for him to run out of social gas.

Your social calendar is about to overflow. You’ll be his plus one so often that, like a pet, you may actually begin resembling him. Best get yourself a decent calendar app, so you’re not double-booked.

Being his party appendage comes with the expectation that you shine at party games. Now, he needs you to excel, but not exceed his abilities—the limelight thing again. So, when you have free minutes sans Mr. Party, scour the web for tips for everything from Beer Pong to Pictionary. Heck, I bet you could find YouTube tutorials. When your adult mind tells you this is a totally fucking stupid game, perish the thought, smile, and continue the charade.

Atta girl!

If you haven’t yet met your Master of Ceremonies, I’ll give you a few pointers. Get yourself invited to a few house parties. How? Jesus, must I think of everything? Why don’t you start a balloon decorating business? No? Um, how about hanging out at Michael’s, and making friends there? Play to people’s sympathy. Tell them your husband left you for one of his students, your son was arrested, and your dog died. Works like a charm.

Here are tips for your house party attendance:

  • Bring a nice bottle of red. You’ll be drinking most of it.
  • Volunteer for everything except unclogging the guest toilet.
  • If you can sing and play the piano … don’t.
  • Introduce yourself to strangers as somebody famous’ cousin. People will be impressed (for no good reason) and want to hang with you.
  • Don’t avoid couples. I know it hurts, but you must make a few threesomes. Nothing sexual (unless it seems appropriate)—just conversation. Couples have single friends. Many are festive. Ah, you’re catching on.
  • Look for a man walking around with Prozac smiles. Often, you can find one next to the deviled egg platter. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the mustard.

When you find Mr. Fun, ask if he’d be your Charades partner. He’ll leap at the opportunity. Come up with things he could help you with like, your house needs painting, you’re unsure whether to buy or lease a car, and you can’t reach something high. He’ll introduce you to great friends who will help. Accept their business cards graciously, throw them away, and enjoy your party favor in his pants.

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Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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