How To Date Drunks

We of the tortured liver clan, are not to be overlooked when seeking a mate. Drunks can be fun. Whiskey dick can be pleasant.

You must first determine the type of drunk he is:

  • Violent: AVOID
  • Happy: PURSUE
  • Driving: AVOID
  • Biking: PURSUE
  • Puking: AVOID
  • Dancing: PURSUE
  • Unconscious: AVOID
  • Up All Night: PURSUE

Got it? Good.

Now, in order to date a drunk, you’re going to need to play the sober role pretty often. That’s OK. You’ll be much healthier. Plus, alcohol is a truth serum, so you can interrogate him after you pick him off the tavern floor and drive him home. Learn the tricks of the trade, including doing shots of water. One drunk is better than two.

About whiskey dick—it’s not always a bad thing. Once you get Don Julio hard, you’ll enjoy more than the usual dos minutos. It’s very important to have him on bottom duty, with his head slightly tilted, lest he drowns in his own vomit. If his blood is adequately saturated, you’ll get him to do things he won’t do sober. Go ahead, toss in some food, toys, neighbors—heck, whatever it takes. He won’t remember. Might not be a great idea to take pictures, then again, look where it got Kim Kardashian.

You’re going to need to clear a shelf in the fridge. Do you really need a week’s worth of Greek yogurt? No, you don’t. Load that shelf with silver bullets. While you’re at it, those shelves on the fridge door can be put to better use than housing old olive tapenade and mustard. That’s a great spot for wine or whiskey flasks. Also, please dump the frozen broccoli and lay a few bottles of Goose and Hendrick’s in there. Ah, syrupy goodness for your man.

If you’ve spotted Sal the Sloshed at the local pub, but have yet to mount him, I’ll give you some pointers (as if this ever happens to me … sniff). Sal needs to be drinking one beer, with a spare full beer close by. Wait until he drains the one he’s holding, and reaches for the reliever. Then, make your move. Bring his next over, say some cute woman asked you to deliver it, and then erase his confusion by confessing you bought it. Next, challenge him to a game of pool for shots, or beer pong. Keep a close eye on his BAC (blood alcohol content). When the needle breaches the red, get him out of there, and fuck his dying brains out.

Remember, sober people suck, unless they are designated drivers, minors, pregnant, or any combination thereof. Adopt a party animal tonight.

Cheers!

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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