How To Date Doctors

We certainly have quite a spectrum of men here. Even narrowed to medical doctors, they range from brain surgeons to gynecologists. Gynos. Hmm. How would one date a gyno? That’s interesting. He’s certainly seen his share of lady caves. He should know his way around one, right? They’re all similar—the caves, I mean. Age, race, and even weight doesn’t change the basic structure, nor the apparently little-known ditty that the way to a woman’s heart is through her g-spot, which is technically the tail end of her clitoris. But, you knew that. Does your man? Well, tell him for fuck’s sake! Date a gyno, and you won’t have to. He’ll know.

Let’s hope Dr. Kissinsnatch has enough sense to leave the rubber gloves, mask, and speculum in the office. None of those cause positive reactions in the bedroom unless you’re a total freak. And, if you are, good at ya. One thing the doc could bring home is lube. Slippery is always preferable to dry unless you’re a floor. Keep a pump-size container on the nightstand, right next to the Bengay tube for his sore neck. I highly suggest you don’t mix the two.

So, let’s say you’ve been visiting Dr. Pokabeaver annually, and you’ve developed a tiny crush. How does one broach the subject while in stirrups? Here are some ice-breakers you are welcome to borrow:

  • “Like what you see?”
  • “How do feel about vaginal rejuvenation?”
  • “Can you check if my vacancy sign is working?”
  • Just start moaning and giggling.
  • “Dang, sorry. Knew I forgot something this morning. Please excuse my lack of chonies.”
  • “Ever done it on one of these chairs?”
  • “Who does your nails?”
  • “We’ve got to stop meeting like this. How about a proper date?”

If he agrees, and you meet for dinner, you need to expect certain things you would not see from a lesser man. He’s going to wash his hands every five minutes, and attempt to diagnose any issues he detects. I doubt he’ll recommend douching, but he may ask you to reduce your gluten intake. Just treat his suggestions as you would a dentist’s suggestion to floss more often—ignore them.

Also, whereas most gentlemen are wise enough to keep their phones holstered, away from sight, doctors need theirs readily accessible, in case of emergency, such as when an electric toothbrush causes numbing, and an annoying interruption to your linguini.

“Mrs. Helms, why would you use … um, why not just buy a vibrator, designed and intended for such use? I understand. I don’t think he’d mind at all. What else have you used? Yes, the faucet is fine. Careful you don’t damage your sphincter on the drain stop. Yes, it has happened. Not pretty. Yes, food is ok. Nothing spicy. What? Do you really want something glass there? Right. I suppose you could do that. Well, if your iPhone battery is anything like mine, I doubt you’ll climax before it dies. Yes, well, I’m glad to be of assistance. Goodnight. Now, where were we?”

Yep, got yourself a winner, darling. Enjoy getting to know a man who knows you better than you ever could.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.