How To Date Distant Men

Ah, long-distance love. Can it be? Perhaps. Like sushi, there’s good and bad.

Face it, men are annoying. Keep them in a separate box, and you’ll have fewer migraines. There’s no rule that you must share a bed, home, or town, for that matter. Learn to say, “Thanks for the nookie. Bye-bye, now.”

You do need to keep tabs on the fellow, though, because if he’s not getting it regularly from you, he’s getting it from a local provider. Now, some would have no problem with that. You know, “If a tree gets laid in the woods and nobody hears it …” That’s the healthiest attitude, while not the healthiest, physically speaking.

An important aspect of dating out-of-towners is to always have the next rendezvous on the calendar. If he knows he’s about to get some, he might refrain from getting some along the way.

There’s another type of distant man—the emotionally distant man. Why would you want to date him? Fuck if I know. Statues make lousy lovers.

Back to the physically distant.

Let’s say you meet a dreamy guy on Match, and the site politely informs you he lives 100 miles from you. Hmm. Slim pickings in your area, huh? Fine. If you insist he’s worth $4.50 a gallon, you should negotiate penis custody two weekends a month. Then deliver your vagina to him one weekend a month (because you’re the lady). On the fourth weekend, Goddess rests. That rest could be due to lady issues, or simply because he’s getting on your nerves, and you’re in desperate need of a ladies night without a man-barnacle.

Whether this works or not depends on your sex drive and your trust. They need to be similar for both parties involved, or you’re going to wind up with a nuisance. If you have one of those gotta-have-it-every-night sex drives, this won’t work. Don’t try it, unless you have a magnificent vibrator.

With this type of fling, the goal should be to eventually shrink the distance as the relationship blossoms. In the event that it wilts, at least you won’t be crossing paths with this particular ex that often.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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