How To Date Dads

Chances are, you’ll encounter a few fathers during your dating endeavors. There’s something to be said about a man with children—caring, loving, patient, unavailable, stressed, frazzled, exhausted, condom-phobic, etc.

I don’t have children. In fact, I’m fixed so I won’t have any oopsies either. But, many of my friends are fathers and grandfathers. I appreciate their cell phone pictures and Facebook posts. Really, I do. Kids are great.

Fuck, who am I kidding?

You want a father figure? Go for it, I guess. Maybe you have some oopsies of your own and could use an experienced man to assist with the rearing. Makes perfect sense. Things to consider include the ages of the nuisances, the genders, and what percentage of his time they are going to take from you.

A man who has little girls is being punished by Nature. I believe this. All those years of ogling boobs and butts have landed him in just-wait-till-she’s-a-teen purgatory. What’s better than Little Suzy showing up with a hipster, shaggy-headed gamer, or a much older man? This teaches her father how to treat women, not as objects, and how to tolerate the objects of her desire. Hence, a man with daughters could be a prime target from this category.

A man with sons is a different story. Pop is going to spend an inordinate amount of time living out his athletic dreams vicariously through his boys (who would much rather shoot aliens on TV). He’ll be taxiing Little Manny to soccer practice and weekend tournaments. He’ll drag you along to his kid’s baseball game where his son will strikeout and cry snot bubbles. Pop will make Manny feel better by reminding him how it’s unimportant who wins, as long as there’s free pizza after the game.

So, since Pop is going to be preoccupied with munchkins, you’re going to need to schedule time in advance around their mother’s schedule. If you’re filthy rich, perhaps you can hire a nanny to occupy the monkeys while you enjoy your time with him. I guess you could cage them, but I think that might be illegal in most states. Check with your local authorities.

You need to learn how to have quiet, quickie sex whenever the opportunity presents itself. For example, have him take you from behind while brushing your teeth before bedtime (since his kid will probably insist on sleeping in the same bed).

You must also be good at lying to the children. He’s an expert. If, while hosting dinner, Little Johnny comes out of the guest bathroom with one of your tampons in his nose, tell him it’s for ears only. If Little Amy asks when she’s going to have chest bumps like you, tell her “When you’re rich enough to afford Dr. Murphy.”

In the event that you’re into him, and not his baggage, tell him you’re allergic to tykes. He may be OK with it. If you love kids, start installing outlet covers, load up on Woolite Heavy Traffic Foam, and get ready for that sixteenth viewing of Ice Age.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.