How To Date Clumsy Men

There are men who might be, shall we say, less graceful than others. Just because he can’t keep a beat, whistles out of tune, or tends to have numerous drivers back into him, doesn’t mean he isn’t adorable, and worth a few Band-Aids. You’re the lady; you head up the poise department. Let him stumble. It will be valuable giggle material.

Just because he’s super-dreamy, doesn’t mean he has hand-eye coordination. So what? Please, don’t make it worse by pointing it out.

“Honey, careful, don’t step in that … oh, look what you did. Bad boy!”

That’s not going to make him want to rub lotion into your feet.

Just prepare yourself by expecting oopsies. I’ll give you a list of what might happen, and I’m not self-incriminating here. Honest.

Things a clumsy man might do:

  1. Put on his underwear or shirt inside-out, and wear it that way all day.
  2. Back into the closed garage door.
  3. Microwave something silly, like an egg.
  4. Fart during an orgasm.
  5. Spill wine on you.
  6. Drop the fork, then bang his head on the table when he gets up from retrieving it, thus causing thing #5.
  7. Poke your taint.
  8. Walk into the ladies room, accidentally.
  9. Forget to put the tea bag in the tea he made you.
  10. Leave a wonderful present in the guest bathroom toilet, right before guests arrive.
  11. Bring a baseball glove to an MLB game, when he couldn’t catch a snail with a net.
  12. Run up your heels with a shopping cart.

If he’s cute enough for you to tolerate this and more, here’s how to snag him. (Oh, and he’ll probably snag his watch on your expensive top and create a pull.) First, never suggest anything requiring above-apelike coordination. If he does this, tell him you have cramps. Second, treat him like a five-year-old. Hold his hand, keep him away from the curb, and buy him loafers. Third, avoid couples dates. Charades will likely cause breakage.

If you have exceptionally low blood pressure and would like to adopt one of these pets, you need to know where to find the shelter. Actually, a golf driving range isn’t a bad idea. You have guys who can, and guys who can’t, there. Look for the fella who rents a club, then post up in a booth behind him, since it is likely he will shank a shot and hurt someone. When he finally hits a ball, ask him for pointers. Maybe he’ll get behind you, and fix your grip.

Other places where you can find these fumblers are reading on the beach (make sure there’s no boards or snorkeling equipment nearby), and coffee shops. Yes, coffee shops. Nothing physical required there. If he has a ruggedized laptop or tablet, you know he’s flooded his keyboard with a latte more than once. He’s your man. Wear a thick napkin on your lap, and enjoy.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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