How To Date Childlike Men

You may have read that title, and suspected that I meant childish, not childlike. Au contraire, mon frere. Whereas this tome has been quite childish at times, I’m referring to men who want to be treated like children. Yes, they exist, as do motherly women who accommodate their desires.

Take, for example, the trending act called “babyheading.” This creative maneuver is where a topless woman sits on the sofa (drip towel optional). The man curls up on her lap, takes boob in mouth, and suckles as the woman gently cups his skull (burping optional, as well).

Bliss, I tell ya.

Now, when I first heard about this, I admit that I laughed so hard I nearly peed my diaper. Although babyheading would not be my first choice for foreplay (can’t see the TV), I can appreciate the appeal. So, if you enjoy mothering, allow me to guide you to Peter Panties.

It is unlikely you’ll find this man in a shopping cart seat at Target, or walking around the nightclub with puffy pants and a beer nipple. Men like him are stealth. You need to watch for childlike mannerisms. If you witness any of the following, he could be your man baby:

  • Wipes his nose on his sleeve.
  • Drinks from a straw, especially a striped one.
  • Wears his favorite NFL team jersey.
  • Blows bubblegum bubbles.
  • Eats chicken fingers and fries, and has it slopped all around his mouth.
  • Constantly high-fives his bros.
  • Plays video games on his smartphone while making gun noises with his mouth.

Once you’ve identified Little Bobby, you need to approach him in such a way that he’ll quickly see your capacity for mothering. A creative way would be to wait outside the little boys’ room. When he emerges, grab him by the wrists and say, “Did you wash your handsy wandsies?”

Another way would involve the creative use of a beverage napkin. You could say, “Here, let me get that,” as you dab wing sauce from the corner of his lips. Or, you could dip the napkin in club soda and remove the powdered sugar doughnut remnants from his Levis.

Soon, you’ll be leaving the establishment hand-in-hand. Yes, you’ll be leading/dragging him, and he’ll probably be distracted by shiny things. Pat him on the head or fanny to keep him engaged. Once you get him home, and strip him down to his Superman Underoos (careful, he’s ticklish), get ready for a fun night of kinkery. For your sake, I hope it doesn’t involve Desitin or peeing in the shower. If you discipline him, he may cry with that lip-to-lip spit rope, and require you to grab a tissue, skoosh his nose, and tell him to blow. Good boy.

In the morning, lay out his clothes, and resist the temptation to call your bestie with the details of the Romper Room romp you just enjoyed.

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Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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