How To Date Brown Men

Sensitive? Me? Not really—OK, around the nipples a bit. But, if you’re easily offended (Really? And, you made it this far?), best skip this chapter.

Like purses and shoes, men come in different colors. I don’t care what color man you prefer any more than I care what color clutch you carry. Still, certain shades of men usually offer different benefits. My comments and suggestions may or may not apply to the toasted treat you’re after.

Enough fucking disclaimers.

There are different shades of brown. Let’s cover the African shade first. I’m friends with many and am delighted to have an adopted mocha sister, whom I adore. She refers to brown men with shaven heads as Cocoa Puffs. Want one? Well, good on you.

Things to know:

  • They are not all hung like elephants.
  • They do eat pussy.
  • They moisturize almost as much as you.

You can find yourself a Cocoa Puff practically anywhere, except in bowling alleys and on surfboards. They are much smarter than their creamy counterparts when it comes to mating. Puffs don’t judge women on weight, and won’t sit back and wait. Puffs will approach you, and make their intentions clear … well, sort of clear, as long as you don’t mind mixed pronouns.

Once you’ve selected your Puff, how do you keep him loyal? Well, like any man, keep him sexually drained. I’d also advise you to stick to the stairs or escalators. Most vanilla knuckleheads like me are instantly intimidated (for no good reason) by your Puff, so he will be an excellent protector, as we don’t want our “ass beat.”

In case your preferred shade of brown is lighter, as in Latin, I also commend your selection. You have fine taste. I also enjoy a spicy Puerto Rican (rum too) on occasion. They have such lovely derrieres and dark chocolate eyes that make me melt in their hands.

Latin men are often amazing chefs (a bit heavy on the carbs, at times). They like their food fiery to match their personality. Also, exceptional dancers, these men. And, as many women have insisted, good moves on the dance floor means good moves on the mattress. Yay for you! Learn a few phrases to keep him happy, such as “Ay, Papi.” Oh, and if you can kick around a soccer ball, that’s a bonus.

In the event your preferred shade of brown is Indian … I gots nothin’. Only Indian dudes I know call me on a daily basis offering me all kinds of shit I don’t need. I’ve seen a few in movies and they always seem excited, and often over-enunciate. Hey, one thing is they are hairy fuckers, like me. That could keep you warm, right? I love their food. Man, they can blend up spinach, coconut, and spices, hand me a pita, and I’m in fucking heaven. Think of what you’ll save on utensils and dishwashing detergent.

No matter what type of tan you fancy, I highly encourage you to step outside your race and experience something new. A gray world would be a happier world.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.