How To Date Bikers

There are two sorts of bikers, and they couldn’t be more different. One wears leather, grows a scraggly beard, has numerous tats, and could knock the horn off a rhino. The other wears silly knickers, tap dance shoes, a goofy helmet with a rear-view mirror, and could get knocked out by a raindrop. You’d probably choose one or the other—never both.

If you want the biker dude, you need to determine if he is a tough guy or he’s trying too hard. Nobody wants to date an accountant with lunch lady arms flapping out of a leather vest, who happens to be rich enough to own a Harley. The man you want needs to be rugged. He should be somewhat dirty and smelly. If he smells of cologne, leave him alone. If he has bug guts in his smile, you’ll like his style.

Where does one find such an animal? Well, dive bars, biker rallies, and Lynyrd Skynyrd concerts are great places to hunt. These monsters don’t like competition, so, instead of buying a bike and a pink helmet, play sweet and innocent with the sudden craving for danger. Ask for a ride. Hold on tight. A hair tie will come in handy. Try to avoid the slobber flying off the pilot. If you’re lucky enough to find one who can smoke a Cohiba while driving, he’s a keeper.

Men like this have other useful skills, including the ability to correct that noise your car is making. Ask him to do manly things, and show sufficient appreciation. Also, he’s going to want to toss you around a bit while making love. Deal with it. If you get brush burns, I recommend New-Skin liquid bandage.

In the odd chance that you’re into the thin-wheeled biker type, the approach varies significantly. True, he’ll have more shapely calves than Biker Bob, but they’re going to be stubbly because this genius thinks shaving down will trim seconds off his quarter-mile time. Instead of a wallet on a chain, Biker Bruce will have three handy pockets on the back of his obnoxiously loud Spandex shirt. He should be carrying a bullet vibrator, lube, and baby wipes in those pockets. You may be disappointed to find gummy bears, a water flask, and change purse.

Yes, I understand Biker Bruce is in better shape than Biker Bob. He’ll probably have more stamina. Go with that. I mean, you’ll need to tolerate dates featuring such exciting things as Yerba Matte lattes, organic peaches, and Scrabble. Instead of watching MMA or the NFL, you’ll be watching AMC (All My Children). Whereas Biker Bob is sporting gnarly scars and bone spurs, Biker Bruce may have a boo boo on his knee. Kiss it and make it better.

So, where should you look for Biker Bruce? You can’t hang in bike shops. That’s just creepy. You can usually find Biker Bruce and three of his similarly-dressed moving billboard buddies in a Starbucks before the morning rally. If his bike seat hasn’t kinked his hose and cut off his supply of testosterone, he should react if you cut in line in front of him while wearing your Juicy shorts. Convince him to tap dance to a nearby table and get to know you. Say, “Have a tea with me, and let them be, sexy.” If that doesn’t work, sneak out and flatten his tires.

No matter which biker boy you seek, get ready for a fun ride. Don’t have his name tatted on your shoulder. Don’t buy a $1000 bike. Just be a good copilot.

About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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