How To Date Baseball Players

Although anyone in decent shape with some hand-eye coordination will hate to be lumped in with softball players, I’m a-lumping. Why? Because they’re similar enough, and I’m lazy. So sue me.

I’ve played some form of baseball for almost 45 years. I should know what it takes to date a man who scratches his balls and spits in public. First, you’d better not have a problem with it. OK, if he spits chew juice into the tub while shaving, he may need to make an adjustment. Second, baseball is nearly as important as sex. Crazy, huh? Well, it’s true. Offer your man a BJ when he’s running late to the game, and he may decline.

You know that fancy peroxide trick you use when spotting? Stock up, because ole scabby-knees is going to dot the hell out of your thousand thread-counts. He’s also going to come home cruddy. You might want to invest in a second hamper before he tosses half the batter’s box on top of your fine blouse.

Baseball players are somewhat secretive. They communicate by giving gestures and are hyper-paranoid about lip reading, so they typically talk through their fingers. You can use this to your advantage. See a shortstop you’d like to try out? Send him a sign. No, don’t do something obvious like nodding while pointing to your vagina. It needs to be stealth. And, don’t shake your fist toward your mouth while sticking your tongue in your cheek. (Yes, we know, that means “blow job.” Duh. How dumb do we look standing here in our high socks and tight white pants? Wait. Don’t answer that.)

Here are some signs you can use:

  1. “Let’s have a drink.” – Extend thumb and pinky, curl in other fingers, wave hand toward him, then put thumb to mouth and tip your head back.
  2. “Are you single?” – Point to your left ring finger, make like you’re removing a ring, then toss it over your right shoulder.
  3. “Can we have dinner sometime?” – Make like you’re cutting a steak, insert into mouth, chew, grab the imaginary wine glass by its imaginary stem, have a sip, wink.
  4. “Do you have condoms?” – Reach into your back pocket to fetch your imaginary wallet, open it, smile while you remove a square wrapper, try tearing it open, give up, use your teeth, extend left index finger, pretend you’re rolling it down the shaft.
  5. “What size bat do you swing?” – Well, well, well. You’ve come a long way. Fine. Reach over like you’re selecting an imaginary (probably black) bat from against the wall. Grip it loosely with hands stacked. Put on an imaginary helmet, take your stance, and swing slowly, like it’s a lead pipe. Wipe the sweat from your brow. Make like you’re handing him the bat.

Perhaps those are somewhat obvious. Apologies. Look, no one other than another baseball player will be trying to steal the signs, so you’re good. If a different player attempts to tag you, check his stats before you take his high hard one during a squeeze play.

About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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