How To Date Bald Men


There are two types of bald men: men who have lost enough hair to give up and shave the rest off, and men in the same predicament who won’t admit it. These men are quite different beasts. Know which type you’re after before proceeding, or you might end up with an insecure melon.

The safest way to approach either of these men is to avoid calling attention to what’s missing. Often, he will grow facial hair, to prove he can grow hair. But, you don’t care. He might tattoo his arms to draw attention away from his dome. But, you’ll still take him home. He may rarely be seen without a baseball cap. But, you still dig the chap.

Be a supportive sweetie, will you? Compliment his strong chin, meaty forearms, and sarcastic wit. When he points out a similarly ridiculous-looking skull, agree with him. If he missed a spot behind an ear, offer to help. If those eyebrows are becoming braid-able, bring him to the salon. If he insists on buying that Harley … shit, OK, you need to draw the line.

Some of these fellas have short fuses. (No, that isn’t a penis reference, but, if the thimble fits, he should wear it.) If his beer balls come poking out of his shorts, you should disarm the situation. Here’s a line you can use:

“Oh, darling, everyone here knows you could pound that guy into a bloody pulp, but why bruise your knuckles. Ignore the douche. Let’s have another IPA, and screw like monkeys.”

You’re going to have fewer hair products to deal with in the shower, but you will step in clumps of hair while at the sink. That’s OK. Brush off the soles of your feet into the toilet before donning the pumps.

Let’s say you’ve been dating fuzzy boys all these years, and you’d like to try a jellybean or cocoa puff. Good for you. Perhaps, that cute, cue ball bartender gives you a little wink with that lemon drop. You find him attractive. (Yes, I’m sure he rarely gets that.) He runs your card and, oddly enough, he writes his number on the receipt. (He never does that. You’re special.) What should you do?

Text him a winky face with your name. Don’t get all wordy with him yet. He’s busy chilling those Jägers. During his next break, he’ll check his phone, have one message (no, not twenty from last week’s bar sluts) from this cute patron. He’ll respond with something witty, like, “Here’s a picture from my gun show.”

Exchange a few more flirtatious texts. Get ideas from your girlie crew. Then, go home, and take a nap, because he won’t be off work until 3 am. Wake up at 2:30, tidy up those lady parts and invite him over.

When making love to a glabrous gent, try to forget your bowling days—don’t look for the holes; steer with the ears. Make sure delicate clothing is removed before his stubble creates a pull. Then, enjoy your new Abyssinian Sand Terrier as he takes you to O-town.

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Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.