How To Date American Men

There are two possible reasons to date American men: citizenship and baseball. If you live in an awful place where they treat women like pets, it’s a great reason to seek asylum in the arms of a beer-bellied, unlucky-with-women okey-doke from the USA. Oh, and there’s baseball. Nothing beats a walk-off, woman, and soccer sucks balls.

There are important things you need to know about American men: We drink too much beer, we watch too much TV, we spend too much money on cars, and if you grill anything, we’ll eat it. You want that? OK. Yes, I understand you’d like running water, toilet paper, and a warm place to sleep too. Proceed.

How do you approach an American, you ask? Well, since you’re probably on a different continent, or your country won’t stamp your passport, I’m going to suggest a little thing we like to call the Internet. Sign up for some dating sites. The only things that should be sort of true on your profile are your pictures. The rest you can make up.

Here are dating profile suggestions sure to lure the American meathead of your dreams:

  • Name: Katy Lopez Berry (covers three races).
  • Height: 5-foot-zero. Tall women intimidate us.
  • Age: 35.
  • Seeking Men: 40-64.
  • Has Children: Fuck, no.
  • Wants Children: Fuck, no.
  • Ethnicity: Mixed, like a tasty Mai Tai.
  • Body Type: Bangin’.
  • Faith: I donno vat thees iz.
  • Smoke: Ya, weed sometimes. Makes me horny.
  • Drink: Ya, craft beer.

Make sure the pictures you post show your body. If it’s lumpy, Photoshop that shit. If you don’t have cleavage, make some. Do NOT, under any circumstance, post a selfie of you making fish lips (AKA duck face). I’ll have you deported. How about a nice shot from behind of you sitting on the edge of a hot tub, naked from the waist up, seductively looking over your shoulder? Muy bueno!

Now, don’t wait for Joe to wink. You need to be the huntress. Find twelve men who live in a nice area (San Diego, not Poughkeepsie), and go on the attack. Make sure his income is six figures or more, check his photos for teardrop tattoos (bad—avoid these), and ignore the hair/height/weight issues. If he’s holding a guitar, that’s going to be a horrible annoyance, unless he’s Chris Cornell, and, if he were Chris Cornell, why would he be on fucking eHarmony? If he’s driving a Corvette, delete delete delete. If he’s holding an infant or a Bud Light, block him.

Once you’ve narrowed the field, initiate contact by telling him how handsome he is, how witty his tagline is, and ask him how it’s possible that he’s still single. He’ll be begging to meet you in no time. At that first meeting, I recommend a loose-fitting sundress, lace undies, big sunglasses, blood-red lips, and thick eyeliner. You’ll be pledging (temporary) allegiance, driving a new BMW, and sending money home to Mama in no time.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.