How to choose between two men.

A sweet little thing decided to run her conundrum past wise, old Uncle Phil last night. (Silly vixen.) She was in a bar with a group of girlies, trying to decide which of two male options she should invite. I preferred neither, leaving me to deliver the pleasure. Sadly, I was a generation too early to be qualified.

She was texting both boys and doing a foolish thing–giving me her phone to read the conversation. Note to friends: Don’t ever give me an unlocked phone. The last woman who did that, inadvertently sent the following message to a male friend of hers: “I want your huge cock inside me, now!” I was customarily removed from her holiday card list. Pity.

Anywho, the two boys vying for her company were described as follows:

  1. Cute guy who I went home with on Halloween. We spent the night. Nothing happened. In the morning I blew him (she’s a keeper). He didn’t try to kiss or touch me. I’ve spent three more nights with him and nothing–not even a kiss.
  2. Another cute guy who I’ve hooked up with occasionally over the year. He always texts me to see what I’m up to. One text from me and he shows up. We usually get drunk and wind up in bed.

“You like boy number one more than the other. Am I right?”

“Yes. I know. I shouldn’t. He won’t even kiss me.”

“Well, post-blowjob kiss avoidance is understandable. Did you floss and give yourself a good tongue-scraping?”

“Ew. I mean, all night long. He has never tried to kiss me.”

“Here, blow me.”


“Blow your breath at me. I need to see if you have hali-whatever-iss.”


“Nope. Just grapes. All good. OK, you realize you like him more because he isn’t as easy, right?”

“I thought guys were the ones who liked challenges.”

“Girls too.”

“Fine, but why won’t he kiss me?”

“Because he’s in love with someone else.”


“Or, he’s gay.”

“He’s not gay. He had a hard-on all night, every time I’ve slept with him.”

“How do you know that?”

“I felt it.”

“That’s hot.”

“Shut up. So, which boy do I invite?”

“I say both. When they show up, blow them (not literally, sugar) off, and find a new guy.”

“That will scare them away.”

“Nope. It will make them want you more. When boy number one comes a-sniffing, tell him he owes you one good licking before you’ll consider putting your talents to work for him again. When boy number two comes around (in tears, no doubt), tell him you’re not ready for a serious relationship.”

“Maybe I am ready.”

“Nah. Wait. You’re around thirty, right?”

“Around that.”

“You’re not ready. Take your tastiness around the buffet a few times before settling on the Kung Pao Chicken.”

“I don’t know. I think I kind of want a boyfriend.”

“Overrated. Ask any woman over forty who has one.”

“OK, I’m going to text both and see what happens.”

“Good girl. Now, it’s time for my nap. Keep the noise down, and don’t forget to do your homework.”

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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