How to be a little rough in the sack.


I’ve finished reading the informative book, Just F*ck Me! – What Women Want Men to Know About Taking Control in the Bedroom (A Guide for Couples) by Eve Kingsley. I must admit I feel slightly bruised and dirty. Ah, I kid. It is an interesting book with many concepts foreign to a nice guy like me.

Eve makes sure the goofy apemen who read her book are clear about the distinction between being aggressive in a stimulating way and causing injury. To a certain point, that’s subjective. The main lesson is there must be clear lines of communication and frequent feedback. Obviously, there’s a big difference between rape fantasy and rape.

Nobody said this would be easy.

1. Spanking – In the odd situation where I spank (more like tap) a lover, I find myself reflexively raising my guard in case she wheels around and clocks me in the choppers. Eve recommends the spank be sandwiched by caressing. All right, but that never prevents my girlish squeal when I receive a shot (not the tasty kind served with a lime).

2. Pinning Her Arms Down – Men, when you’re on top, grab both her wrists and pin them behind her head. Make sure your legs are inside hers or you may take a knee to the jobbers. I also like to add in neck nibbling, unless she’s wearing a wool scarf; it’s itchy.

3. Dirty Talk – I work with too many words to enjoy this without giggling or correcting her grammar. I don’t like being called names, other than “The Luscious Italian Tripod.” For some odd reason, there are women who don’t mind (or rather enjoy) being called one or more the following during intercourse:
a. Slut
b. Whore (or ‘Ho in certain parts)
c. Dirty
d. Naughty
e. Slave
f. Servant
g. Filthy
h. Mommy
i. Bad
j. Evil

4. Kamikaze Sex – OK, I made this name up. Chicks get tingly when they see that stairwell quick-bang in the movie Unfaithful. This is one time when the man isn’t penalized for unloading in under a minute. When she least expects it and still wants it (good luck figuring that one out), shove her up against the wall/staircase, yank down her bottoms, and grind her into the drywall/carpet. You’ll probably cause some brush burns, so have Neosporin handy. NOTE: Please don’t do this at the office, daycare center, or in my kitchen.

5. Role-Playing – Grown people do this? Really? Not just on Halloween? Reality has a way of obscuring fantasy and ruining the fun for me. Hey, whatever gets your blood pooling. You can play master/servant, maid/butler, coach/player (except in central Pennsylvania), quarterback/cheerleader, priest/confessor, officer/criminal, prom king/prom queen, or bar slut/bar player. Ooh, how about this one: author/reader? Saucy!

Could your love life use some freshening? Bring home lotions, toys, and liquor; mix in a little kink; and postpone your mate’s consideration of trading your boring ass in for a pug, hobby, or more open-minded lover.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.