How About a Holiday Lover?


This time of year can be depressing — for the needy type. Loners, introverts, and narcissists rejoice at the thought of all the bad sweater and white elephant parties we get to avoid. Yet, we admit a certain sexy elf might make the gaudy lights stapled to our eaves shine a little brighter. The thought of sipping cider (spiked, of course) by the yule log on the flat screen, while the Trans-Siberian Orchestra blasts “O Come on Ye Faithful” doesn’t sound entirely repulsive.

So, where does one find such a holiday enhancement? Well, there’s the usual: Match and Tinder. Coworkers at company parties can be ripe for the picking, but that could land you in front of some disapproving whale from HR. The holiday bar scene can be fruitful. Single women tend to lower their standards around the time of year. (Thank you, Santa.) Slugs, like me, can sometimes be scooped up at bargain prices.

If it’s going to be more than a one-nighter, all sorts of things can have your holiday lover flying back up the chimney. Young children—while being the deluded bunch of mush-minded targets this holiday was created for—tend be exceptionally needy, whiny, and annoying around this time of year. If you attempt to connect them with your holiday lover, you’ll create anxiety, and a return ticket to the bar where you found him or her.

Also, please be sure to specify that no gift is expected from the holiday lover. In fact, a gift would be completely inappropriate (except for oral favors, which are always in-season).

People visit family during these holidays. It often involves flights or long commutes. Those are things you need to do alone. Your holiday lover, while providing some comfort and relief during the trip, does not belong at the destination. Meeting my lover’s family is more stressful than interviewing for a job. Meeting her family while the members are carving meat, and parading in Santa caps around the mistletoe-laden house, could induce stroke-like symptoms. I’ll meet your pet. Anything beyond that is not worth the orgasm.

I think holidays are ideal for pranks. Every year, my neighbor puts a pair of reindeer made from twigs and Christmas lights. And, every year, late at night after I’ve had too much gin, I reposition these eyesores into doggie style. If I could figure out how to convert Rudolph’s red nose into a red rocket deer cock, that would complete my mission. There must be a YouTube instructional video. Other pranks I’m considering include adding fake blood and deer hoofs to bumper wreaths, and rearranging lawn lights into big, saggy bulb boobs. My favorite holiday house party prank remains the upper decker. Look it up.

I’m not being Grinchy. These pranks always net out positive: one or two people upset, dozens more snickering. Heck, you need to crack some eggs to make deviled eggs, right? You need to squish some apples to make hard cider. You need to slaughter some pigs, cows, and birds to make Uncle Tony go into the family room and fall asleep. You need to chop down some pine trees to make bug-infested needle-shedding fire hazards. You need to tear some paper to make high-expectation-having, unappreciative rug rats.

Ah, the holidays.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.