The Hornier Games


I spent Thanksgiving morning nursing a horrible hangover (induced by Crown Royal) while I watched the second installment of The Hunger Games. I enjoyed the books, and appreciate the movies because they stay pretty close to the story in the books. Throw in some cool effects and talented actors, and what’s not to like? Some people told me they found the concept too dark and violent. The whole kids killing kids thing makes people uneasy. Go figure.

So, since I am a man with an active imagination that mostly centers around sex (still), I thought, Self, why not conceive of a similar plot with less blood and more nookie? Surely, I can put my heads to work. There needs to be one slight change to sneak this one past the MPAA: the competitors are all 18+, and they’ve all been drug-tested. No PEDs allowed.

OK, let’s stay close to the storyline of the original, having 24 competitors randomly chosen from 12, umm, universities–one man, one woman from each. We’ll place them in an area–a busy public one–a mall! Yes! The object is for the couples to copulate in as many different places as possible, without being caught in the act. (I’m borrowing parts of this from Opie & Anthony’s Sam Adams Sex Contest, which was so brilliant that it brought me to tears.)

Let’s set up ground rules.

  • Lubricants are permissible.
  • Contestants must shave their nay-nays first.
  • Nobody wants to see man-butt, so they’re wearing boxers under sweatpants, and we’re reserving spots on the back for sponsors. Hey, Geico? Call me.
  • There’s an immediate disqualification for doing it in a public restroom, or within ten feet of a minor.
  • Each team will be assigned a cut-man. You never know.

Points are accumulated as such:

  • Hand on private for ten seconds: 1 point.
  • Mouth on private for ten seconds: 2 points.
  • Penetration: 3 points.
  • In da butt: 1 extra point, and a moist towelette.

Bonus points are awarded based on the location of the sexual activity.

  • In a car: 0 points, you low-ambition-having motherfucker.
  • While leaning against a bike rack: 1 point.
  • In a dressing room: 0.25 points.
  • In a booth at a restaurant while eating hot wings: 2 points.
  • While riding around on the security guard’s Segway: 5 points.
  • On the roof: 1 point.
  • In a theater: 0.25 points.
  • In the Bose store while testing headphones: 2 points.
  • At an outdoor table at Starbucks: 1 point.
  • While trying on, cross-dressing in Old Navy clothing, one size too small: 3 points.

Penalty points will be deducted for:

  • Spitting: -1 point.
  • Condom breakage or slippage: -2 points.
  • Sex in a church, chapel, or synagogue: immediate disqualification. (As little the shit is that I give, I just don’t have the money to cover legal expenses on this one. Sorry.)
  • If any child points and says, “Look, Mommy.”: -3 points.
  • Arrest: -1 point.
  • Visible, measurable male ejaculate on any carpeted surface: -5 points. (I have a black light, people. Don’t test me.)

All right. Let the games begin! The second installment shall be called The Hornier Games: Catching Cold (winter games of sorts–Russian women, perhaps), and the final installment, The Hornier Games: Cockinvajay.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.