Holding It

This can’t be something only I experience, can it? Is it a nervous reaction? Perhaps, something to do with aging, or my some-would-say poor diet choices? Can’t be solely a male thing, either.

OK, I’m going to let it out, and you tell me if you can relate.

PFFFBBLT! (Excuse me.)

Quite often, when I am about to receive the finest of gifts a man could ask for (yes, a blow job), an annoying bubble of noxiousity (new word) threatens to ruin the relationship. So, I lie there concentrating on squeezing my ass Kegel instead of fully enjoying the moment.

Now, for all you prim and proper girlies who just went, “Ew,” I hear you, and don’t try to tell me you never had a burrito fart brewing whence your man was face deep in your mufficity (new word #2). Worse yet, whereas we men at least have a barrier between anus and chin, your tucked in goodies leave the Mexican border wide open, which could result in quite a chin rattling if one of those bean babies were released.

This is particularly stressful, because gas release during other sex acts can be done tactfully. Heck, even the doubly precarious sixty-nine position is superior since one gets to play both offense and defense. Any other situation requires minimal sphincter control to keep things silent. Or, simply put on some marching band music during nookie, as to disguise any oopsies by confusing them with trombones.

Holding it is important early in a relationship with someone you actually like. A fart you can’t blame on a pet will likely live you lonely and a popular topic of her next lady rant. So, allow Dr. Beano to provide some insights as to how to handle that butt burp.

  • A great time to let that critter fly is when you are fetching the sex towel. If it’s exceptionally awful, you can also fetch a damp, warm wash rag while it dissipates.
  • In the odd chance that she scrambles to the half bath to squeeze out your unwelcomed deposit before you fetch the towel, fear not. Lift the sheet, blast away, then use the sheet as a fart sail, making sure no remnants remain.
  • Just hold it all night. Get up early to make her morning coffee. Enter the downstairs or guest bathroom. Turn on the fan, and let it rip. Might be wise to put some yellow police tape up afterward, in case she ventures that way to adjust her morning bun.
  • Tell her you forgot to put your monthly March of Dimes contribution check in the mailbox. Scurry outside. (Take any piece of paper. I know you’re not giving hard-earned money away.) Open the mailbox, and wake the dead as you blast away. If she hears it (wow, you rock), tell her you accidentally stepped on a frog.

Ladies, I thank you for making it this far, even after you said, “I’m not reading this. He’s gross.” You’re a true friend. Now, next time you’re down on him, I dare you to push his bellybutton to see what he’s holding. Come on. Great comic relief. What’s better than shits and giggles?

About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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