His Ding-a-Ling

People nowadays spend too much time seeing the world through a phone lens. This creates a new level of over-sharing. Pictures get posted all over social media as iPhone reporters can’t wait to show off their latest work. If you’re around a group of people, I guarantee one of them is in the middle of a handheld gallery exhibition that is boring the shit out of reluctant attendees.

We all have our subjects of choice. My main subject is drunkards. I love to take pictures and videos of drunk people doing silly stuff. My work serves to remind me that when I approach the line of being the next TMZ victim, I need to tap Uber, and skedaddle. I also take photos of my children—felines, Syd and Symon. I do this, not to share with other cat lovers, but to return the annoyance of seeing offspring do unremarkable human things.

I have a friend who’s subject is woman butt. Creepy, you say? Yup. Then again, butts abound, so either walk with your back to the wall, or suffer the thought of being iPorn candy for some pervert.

Another friend likes taking shots of women performing various sex acts on him. There’s the typical doe-eyed sword swallower pose, which, like the rest of his pictures, contains way too much of his penis. It makes me feel icky. Can’t look for more of a second, and can’t concentrate on the woman enough to avoid that vein-y flesh flute.

“Dude, you have to see this hot chick I met at the Hilton.”

“Fine.”

(I fall for it every time.)

“What do you think?”

“Sweet baby Jesus. Can’t you take a picture without your cock in it? God damn it! I can’t unsee that.”

“I have a photogenic wang. You should appreciate him. Look at the shiny helmet, the slight leftward bend, the purplish hue.”

“You are a sick ticket, my friend. I need to wash my eyes out with vagina. Off to Porn Hub I go.”

Do women take pics of men performing on them? (The answer is “no,” because most are not immature swine.) I can’t imagine Sarah showing Christine her boyfriend box munching.

“Ew, is that your clit, Sarah? Christ! I bet that could steer a cruise ship.”

“Shut up. It’s just the angle. Let me try a filter.”

“Please don’t.”

“Look at this one.”

“Is that your … OMG, you need to have it bleached. It looks like your asshole has a black eye.”

Nah. Women wouldn’t. Would they?

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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