I put on my listening ears and let a brother vent to me. He has a heavy crush on a lovely woman who yo-yos in and out of his life. At the other end, he has a different woman who happens to have the dreaded one-way crush on him.
“It’s Murphy’s Law: I love her and she loves someone else while she loves me and I love someone else.”
“I’d say that’s more the norm than the exception, Hank.”
“It should be simple. Why do I love what I can’t have while discarding what I have?”
“Because you’re a womanizing mess, and God is punishing you.”
“You don’t even believe in God.”
“True. Your god is punishing you.”
“Let’s work on the target of your affection first. Have you professed your love for her?”
“I bought her dinner and sent a text heart.”
“A text heart?”
“Less than sign, three.”
“Add ‘adolescent douche’ to the list of reasons why you’re single.”
“Shut up. Chicks love text messages.”
“Whatevs. (That’s my attempt to speak your language.) If you don’t tell her eye-to-eye how you feel, she could misinterpret your intentions.”
“She probably just wants me as a friend and if I open up she’ll climb a tree.”
“If you love her, she’s worth the chase. Now, about your fan.”
“Is she unattractive?”
“No. She’s gorgeous.”
“What’s her issue, other than the fact that she has horrible taste?”
“She seems too desperate for a boyfriend. If I agree to date her, I’ll have to watch every step I take because she’s so fragile.”
“True, fragile toys are stressful to play with. Have you told her you just want to be friends?”
“No, because I might consider taking her on if the woman I love turns me down.”
“See? This is why I date my wine glass and ride my bed solo.”
“But I like having a girlfriend. I get sex and companionship and don’t seem like such a pathetic, lonely turd by sitting at a wine bar night after night getting drunk with empty seats on either side of me.”
“None taken, asshat. You’ll never be happy with the chick who is chasing you, so shut that shit down. As far as the object of your desire, you had better make your intentions clear before she latches onto another man because you never made a move.”
“What if she shuts my shit down?”
“Then you move on to the next love domino, trying to fall for each other.”
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