How to Date Hairy Men

Some men are hairy. Deal with it. In fact, unless you’re watching the Olympic High Dive competition, The Bachelor, or porn, you should expect it. Heck, it’s a sign of maturity. Sure, there are instances of overgrowth, but nothing a handy trimmer can’t clean up. Have you ever thought that shearing your man could be sexy? It could.

I’ve heard a few women (Patti Stanger) say they prefer clean-shaven chests. That’s silly and borderline as creepy as a hairless fucking cat. Are you telling me you don’t mind feeling stubble on a man’s chest and arms? Seriously? You, the woman who gets all paranoid when her man touches a thigh that hasn’t been scraped in days? Come on.

If you happen to be this advanced, yet sexily underevolved type of woman who appreciates manly men, you can and should treat yourself to an occasional Chewbacca. Italian men, Greek men, Jewish men, etc. are prime specimens with soft wisps of fur, sure to make you purr.

Where does one find these animals? Just about everywhere. Look around. Check the wrists and base of the skull for telltale signs of post-pubescence. If the fur is concealed, yet you suspect he’s bushy, use your nose. Hairy fellows typically spray a few extra mists of fine cologne to penetrate the forest. If he’s spicy, he’ll be nicey.

Once you’ve begun bedding this tumbleweed, you’ll need to gently insist upon grooming. The undercarriage on this beast can quickly become overgrown, concealing the goodness within. Hit up Amazon, and find a sturdy pair of clippers. Zip, zip, zip­—a bundle of fur on the bathroom floor, and a bundle of fun being slammed into the shower door. Plus, no hacking up fur balls after the next blow job.

Speaking of showers, I know how you like to keep a disposable razor or two in there. Frankly, those six-bladed monstrosities scare me and my precious balls. Yet, some men are unafraid. They will lather up a sack and take your soapy rimmed fuzz slicer to the male shrubbery. I tell you this because it will dull your blades, and quite possibly cause pain the next time you clean up “down there.”

A simple solution is to put keep some of his razors in the shower and hide yours in a box of tampons.

Although this fellow is proud of his man-lawn, he may have a bit of insecurity about it. To prevent any mishaps, avoid twirling or braiding his knuckle fur. If he has a stray hair (or six) hanging off an ear about the size of floss, flopping in the breeze, don’t assume that it isn’t connected. It probably is. If you yank it, he will yelp and backhand you.

Your furry life partner is swell to have around on chilly evenings. Cuddle up to that chest bedding and enjoy. If it happens to be a warm night, press your feet into his back to keep him at bay. It will be like standing on a thick pile shag from the seventies. Wonderful.

Enjoy your critter. Keep Mr. Chia trimmed, and he’ll bring you much cheer.

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Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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