Good Richard


Seems the penis needs more discussion. If it’s not your cup of pee, lick a finger and flip the page. I’ve been hearing a lot about penis recently, so it goes here. The ladies who treat me platonically aren’t shy about discussing penises (peni?) around me, the proud owner of one (penum), which has been both fulfilling and disappointing to my lovers and me. Still, he’s my pole mate, so I love my Willie.

One term I keep hearing is “good dick.” This is used both in the sense of missing and needing one, and having one, often attached to an unworthy owner. I scratch my balls and wonder, what actually makes “good” dick. Surely, it can’t be as simple as length or girth. Bend, perhaps? Clipped or not? Time spent turgid versus flaccid?

If I weren’t an introvert, I’d unzip and ask for ratings and suggestions.

“Ladies, please say hello to my little friend, Willie. I’m happy to take requests on behalf of my pants puppet.”

“All right. You asked for it.”

“Wait, should I coax him from his shell first?”

“Thank you for being so considerate, but no.”

“Fine. What do you think?”

“I don’t see any warts. That’s good.”

“Yeah, burned them off with a cigarette.”

“You what?”

“Kidding. My puppet, whilst quite lonely, is a clean puppet.”

“Good. I see you trim around the base. Good call.”

“Thank you. Although, you should know I don’t mind a little shrubbery on the lady parts.”

“Lasered mine off. Deal with it. Lift him up so I get a better angle.”

“There ya go.”

“Wow. You have a scar. I’m afraid to ask.”

“Fear not. Either my mohel was clumsy with my schmuck, or I caught it my zipper.”

“You’re Jewish?”

“No, why? Are Jews bad with the zipper thing?”

“Never mind. All I can say is you might have good dick. I don’t see anything keeping you from it. The most appropriate analysis requires seeing how he performs, and, before you ask, I’m not signing up for that.”

“Damn it. So, it’s all in how I use it.”

“And, how long you use it.”

“So good dick would have stamina.”

“Yes, but within reason.”

“Are we talking minutes or hours?”

“More than minutes, less than hours, unless we have lube.”

“Got it. Anything else?”

“Sure. Motion is important. Don’t just be sawing wood, ya know? Swirl him around a bit. Change positions.”

“What if I pull him out and spank you on the bean with his helmet?”

“You watch too much porn.”

“Right. What about balls? Must good dick have good balls in order to be good dick?”

“Kind of. They shouldn’t be bushy or hanging down by your knees. Other than that, it’s hard to ruin good dick with subpar balls.”

“Thank you. This has been quite helpful.”

“No problem. Look, you have what you have. You can’t change that. Just learn to do the most with what you have, and when it doesn’t cooperate, use other parts.”

“Fingers and tongue. Roger. Ten-four.”

“That’s right. And, always remember, there’s lots of good dick waiting on deck. Be good or be gone.”

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.