Going Down


What goes through your mind as your lover heads south? I sure hope he remembers his sunscreen. That’s not the “south” I was referring to. The anxiety that you have during your partner’s trip can make his or her stay pleasant or brief, depending.

As my lady unzipped, I tapped away on my iPhone’s notepad app and recorded my thoughts.

  • I sure wish she’d take off those reading glasses.
  • Wow, she missed a few roots.
  • I should have given the undercarriage a twice-over.
  • Suddenly it strikes me how much safer button-fly jeans are.
  • If she makes a gagging sound, I’m going to be simultaneously proud and grossed-out.
  • Home dog … DAMN YOU, AUTOCORRECT … Good God, she’s talented.
  • I’m going to time this session so I know how long I’ll need to reciprocate.
  • I wonder if she’s a rookie (nibbler) or trooper (good to the last drop).
  • Please leave my taint alone.
  • Interesting … my right toe is perfectly aligned with her love-button. Do I dare?
  • I could get used to this.
  • I hope all of my pubes are battened down. Hearing my cats cough up fur balls is bad enough.
  • I have no idea what pleasure women get out of this, but it doesn’t matter.

It was only fair that I flipped her over, handed her my iPhone, and had her record her thoughts while I visited thigh canyon.

  • I hope he’s gentle.
  • Dance around the bull’s-eye a bit before you poke the hell out of it.
  • I think I’m good on the freshness calendar.
  • I wonder if Rogaine affects sexual performance.
  • That goatee is killing me.
  • Come on, dude, you have ten fingers sitting idle.
  • The timing of my Brazilian was impeccable.
  • I could get used to this.
  • I wonder how many lovers it took him to learn how to do this.
  • Would he be freaked-out if I handed him my rabbit?
  • He’d better not try to kiss me.
  • If he wipes his chin on the sheets, I’ll kill him.
  • Brad-ley Coo-per … Brad-ley Coo-per … Dormez-vous? … Where are you?
  • Ow! Would it kill him to take my panties off first?

It’s best to perish the thought and cherish the deed, isn’t it? Everyone loves to head south. (I assume South Africans prefer to head north.) Thoughts can be distracting at this juncture, so best to clear the mind. Strap yourself into the love rollercoaster and let it take you through the peaks and valleys. You can steer a bit with your knees, grab the ears, arch your back, clutch the sheets, or seek guidance from the divine. Whatever gets you to the next ride is acceptable. Throw your hands up, get some leverage from your headboard, clamp his ears with your thighs, and yell, “Weeee!”

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.