Go Where the Women Are

Very few women read books designed to help men find mates. That’s a shame. I’m sure they’d find them sometimes insightful and often funnier than anything I can come up with. I’m always looking for other perspectives, so I devour these books and audio books like popcorn. What have I learned? Nothing. I’m still single.

One suggestion I did take to heart was to place myself in situations where there is an abundance of target women without a saturation of fellow predators. I’m not moving to Manhattan. Another suggestion was yoga classes.

I’m not spiritual at all. My imaginary friends disappointed me, so I evicted them. The spiritual base of yoga was always a main reason for my avoidance. Another is my lack of grace. I fear my imbalance would cause me to tumble into a cascade of domino-ing damsels.

Groupon has a special on yoga classes within a mile of my house. It’s right next to a favorite vodka dispenser of mine. Maybe I should get a head start on all the New Year’s resolutions. “Sign up, Philsy. What could it hurt?”

So, I did.

When I showed up fifteen minutes early for the beginner class, the instructor instantly knew how uncomfortable I was. Guess I had that please-don’t-cripple-me look. She pointed me toward the mat, blocks, and pad. I took them to the far corner, de-shoed and de-socked myself, and watched the march of the yoga pants (in my head, to the tune of “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy”).

The lovely Brazilian instructor began the class. The woman next to me warned that I might want to grab a towel as things can get sweaty. I thanked her and said I’d avoid lawn-sprinklering.

The music started. It sounded like Gregorian chants—not the Metallica I had hoped for. Then there was an odd tone and bell bongs. The yogi was rubbing this large rocks glass with an extra large cotton swab. Naturally, all I could think of was the better uses for such, including home for a salt-rimmed margarita.

I managed to twist and turn my corpse-in-training into many of the poses. Others required her to “adjust” me. A few times the sound of my joints popping shocked her. Other times I assured her my body simply could not do the things she asked of it.

As I looked around the room, hoping nobody was pointing and laughing, I reminded myself why I had shown up: women. There were lots of women, and one other man. The thing the books failed to mention is something I realized quickly: women are not there to meet men, and any advance made by such would be result in stink face and likely stink foot in ass.

Fine. I’ll stretch.

At the end, she had us lie there and relax while she placed cool lemon water towels on our foreheads. When she got to me, she de-slouched my shoulders, and plopped the towel on my brow. I relaxed and dreamed of infused martinis: “Dance of the Sugar Rimmed Goose.”