Go Get Your Man

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where your eyes meet a stranger’s eyes, and you feel chills telling you this could be the one? Of course, you have. So, what do you do about it? Do you smile? Wink? Wave him over? Or, do you calmly wait for him to be the man and approach you?

Sadly, this man can say that either indications of interest are becoming rare from the ladies, or my senses are truly dulling.

If you currently have a bed vacancy, may I suggest an alternative to playing coy? Let that cute fella know you’re interested. I’m not saying grab his ding-dong and say, “I want this inside me tonight.” Although, with most of us, that would be quite effective. Act like a lady huntress. Tell him he’s cute, ask if he’s “taken” (ew, I hate that word in that context), and suggest you two have a little date-ski and see where it leads.

Look, if you don’t do it, some slutty bar skank will. And, no, approaching him does not earn you your slutty skank pin. You’re different. You have honest and good intentions. You’re not going after some random boy to pin your ankles behind your ears and slam the bejesus out of you. This, my dear, is a potential lover—one with whom you could see yourself having conversations, beach walks, and mocha lattes. Sure, the hope is that he’ll eventually bring you to O-town, but not tonight.

Women rarely approach me. I’m not the intimidating type, so that’s not the reason. Those who recognize me from my silly prose, tend to avoid me like dirty toilet seats. My bad. If it’s not my irreverence shooing them away, I have to assume it’s my appearance. Black T-shirts and baseball caps can only conceal so much. Meh. I drink best alone.

Have you heard that it’s a numbers game? It certainly is. But if you just stare at the hunk buffet and wait for the food to jump into your mouth, you’re going hungry. Take your dish and start picking. Try a tall one. Try a small one. Try a round one. Try a brown one. Try an old one … please, try a fucking old one.

Imagine this: You’re happily coupled but you’re out with a friend who is single and needs some penetration. She remarks that there’s a cutie in the corner, but she’s too shy to bat her eyes. What do you do? Do you support her shyness? Do you want to spend another hour hearing about her ex? No, you don’t. So, on your next bladder emptying, you stop by studly, point her out, and tell him to fetch. See? You have no problem approaching prey for a friend. It’s so easy. No fear of rejection, because if he declines, you’ll save your friend’s fragile ego by telling her you saw him making out with Bruce.

If you can do it for her, you can do it for you. Don’t worry about rejection—welcome it. That “nope” gets you one step closer to the next “yep.” Even if he declines, he may have a cute friend, brother, or 54-year-old author friend who enjoys baseball and cooking. It’s called networking, my dear. Do it, or forever hold your vibrator.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.