I Don’t Get You

This is the most frustrating part of being a man seeking a woman. I imagine it’s the same vice-versa. It helps a little to tell me what you don’t want. I can also respect it if you say you’re not sure what you want right now. I’ve also tried and erred enough times to have an idea of what you might want based on what worked or didn’t work with other women. But, I’m as frustrated as a dog chasing his tail.

It has been this way since my crush on my third grade teacher. I find a desirable target. I launch my attack. I swing, miss, and fall on my dick.

Here’s what I want: I want to give the woman I love what she wants, as long as it doesn’t hurt me or others. Simple, right? Nope. I can’t get her a relationship gift card. She needs more in the way of inanimate objects, such a sweet texts during the day letting her know I’m thinking of her. Yet, if she’s not in the mood for that, I’m being creepily insecure by overdoing it. She needs me to listen. Check. Ah, but, while doing so, she needs me to support her point-of-view, even if it isn’t shared.

Take the statement: “My ex is a repulsive asshole.”

If I agree, I implicate her by suggesting she has poor taste in men. If I disagree, I’m taking sides against her. What’s a guy to do? I usually shrug, or run away screaming.

Wouldn’t it be awesome to get the list of desires upfront, before the first kiss? Heck, even that first kiss is a touchy subject. When to do it? Where to plant it? How much tongue, if any? How long should it last?

I asked a woman out this past weekend, and she said she’d think about it. That sounds like a polite “no” to me. Granted, it was much gentler than, “You’re kidding, right?” Still, she left me an opening, I suppose. During our next encounter, I want her to tell me what she wants. I don’t need a dissertation—ten or so bullet points should suffice. It would be helpful if she includes food, gift, and movie genre preferences, parenthood and pet ownership aspirations, and some approximate level of time and effort I must expend before I’m allowed to begin peeling off her clothes.

Unlikely.

I expect her to say, “Sure, we can have dinner, and see how that goes.”

“Excellent. When and what type of food?”

“You’re the man. Make plans.”

“Fuck. Sorry. Any allergies?”

“…”

“Right. I’ll bring an EpiPen.”

If you’re one of these fine specimens who doesn’t know what she wants, may I suggest one teensy, weensy thing: Why don’t you FIGURE THAT SHIT OUT before accepting a date request? Then, find a way to express those desires to him. Fuck, use emojis if you need to. He won’t care what delivery mechanism you use. Just be specific, or be prepared to deal with another frustrated fellow.

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Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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