Get pissed and carry a large stick.

Slogans. Ugh.

I’m not condoning violence here. The stick should be a deterrent. It should remind the annoyance to find a less-armed person to annoy. If a stick is too threatening, carry a rubber chicken or a pool noodle. Don’t go out amongst savages unprepared. Various violations are going to take place; by carrying a club and losing your shit, you’ll deflect most of it. The temporary spike in blood pressure is worthwhile. You’ll recover soon enough (add a mojito, if it helps). Then you’ll enjoy the serenity while others pretend to keep calm.

Here are typical violations where you’ll need to deploy your stick:

  • Dirty dishes left on counter.
  • Toilet paper left with one sheet on roll.
  • Person in your way isn’t paying attention to anything but her phone.
  • Driver slow in left lane or on entrance ramp.
  • Motorcycle cop doing anything. (Not a good idea to strike them. I strongly advise against it. It won’t end well, especially if you’re not Caucasian. Just thumb your nose or something. Fine. I warned you.)
  • Neighbor walking dog. Dog pisses in your yard. Neighbor in a trance, begging for a beating.
  • Person old enough to drive, on a skateboard. Recruit a partner and deploy a clothesline for lots of laughs.
  • Checkout clerk making small talk.
  • Man at gym doesn’t notice your earbuds. He hits on you. Hit him.
  • Person at work is an angry typist, slapping his keyboard. This also applies to Sheila with the ridiculous nails clicking across the keyboard.
  • Your date customizes her order to the point where she’s handed an apron and a spatula.
  • Party guest opens the most expensive bottle, drinks half a glass, and leaves the rest to spoil.
  • Someone makes that awful slurping noise while drinking coffee.
  • Somebody needs a tissue.
  • Smoker blows smoke up to avoid hitting you with a cloud while remaining oblivious to the fact that her breath keeps deploying the awful scent.
  • Bartender serves a man a straw or forgets to serve a woman a straw.
  • Clerk at 7-Eleven is disgusted by your presence, and for this you pay him.
  • Pizza drips grease on blouse.
  • Glass drips condensation on crotch. People think you peed yourself or made cumsies.
  • Person mistakes you for clerk when you are shopping. Asks your advice. Give her some, like “See how far you can shove a Gucci up your coochie.”
  • Obama or Romney supporter makes constant posts with clever things like “Obummer” or “Mitt ain’t Shitt,” while failing to realize her friends respect her opinion about as much as an otter’s.
  • Asinine fan yells at TV in public.
  • Anyone begins a sentence with, “Remember that Seinfeld episode where ….”
  • People impede your progress because a picture must be taken at the precise moment you’re passing.

Don’t keep calm. If you simply smile and sigh away the pain, you’ll have a migraine … or ulcers … or gas … or something. Poke the offender with the stick. It doesn’t need to be pointy. Blunt works well and it’s less messy. Carry on.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.