Fuck Yes


During my morning routine of loading up on sufficient stimulants (coffee) to get me through another day, I caught a speech from soccer stud Megan Rapinoe on live TV. At the end of the speech, she dropped an F-bomb. It gave me cerebral wood.

Naturally, the network broke in and apologized, instead of pumping a fist and yelling, “Fuck yes!” I realize the concern is the loss of sponsors. First of all, if there must be fault assigned, how is it the network’s fault? Second of all, fuck you and your pretentious brand of fuckery.

Fuck is a fucking word. Technically, Megan used the word “mother-fucking.” She used it as an adverb. (“New York, you mother-fucking rule.”) If she used it as a verb, it could have been more offensive … to some … some fucking uppity fuck-tard.

There certainly are more and less offensive (again, to some) F-words. Allow me to present a list of the top ten most offensive F-words that could ever be uttered on live TV. In order of least offensive to most:

  1. Fuck: Oh, for fuck’s sake, just stop giving a fuck about fuck.
  2. Fuck-Buddy: This doesn’t even belong on the list. Everyone should have at least one fuck-buddy. Sometimes you just need a fucking backup, you know? I don’t have only one bottle of tequila. Perish the thought.
  3. Fuck-Ton: This is a unit of measure. It means lots. You can’t be offended by a unit of measure unless it is a gallon of liquid shit.
  4. Fucker-Ware: This is a new addition. With the advent of all sorts of silicone girlie and boyie parts, torsos, and full-blown (bwah, ha ha, blown) infuckable toys, we need this word. Use it often. The next HR meeting would be a great place to deploy it.
  5. Infuckable: I just invented this word three sentences ago. I give free license for all to use. Not to be confused with unfuckable, which could describe a person, food item, or tree stump that simply cannot be fucked, no matter how many fucks are free to be given.
  6. Finger-Fuck: Not only is this unoffensive, but it’s also fun for both parties, as long as the fingerer has Purell’d, and the fingeree is a willing recipient.
  7. Face-Fuck: Oral sex is fun as long as you’re not congested. If you are, put some fucking Vicks on your upper lip and have at it. You may find you’ve learned a new twist to get your woman/man off. It sure beats losing a Mentos in her baby cave, right?
  8. Fuck-Bubble: Sometimes air gets in there. What’s a girl supposed to do?
  9. Fuck-Nugget: Similarly, sometimes boy baby snot and girl goo mix and create tiny balls of fun.
  10. Fuck-Tard: All right. I used that one above. I understand it’s not nice to use the term retard when referring to a person. Yet, a fuck-tard is a non-genetically disadvantaged person who is choosing to be or do something really fucking stupid. So, it’s nice enough.

In the odd chance that this list makes it onto Wikipedia, I’d like to offer my insincere apologies to all the fuck-flaps who are offended. Fuck-Flaps? Let’s make that a bonus fuck.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.