Fornication location, location, location.


Are things becoming bland in your relationship? Is sex usually horizontal and routine, instead of vertical and extreme? Fear not! You don’t need drugs or therapy, Sweetiepeep. You need a gentle nudge. It’s time to consider doing it in places not typically designed for doing it. For the next thirty days, you are forbidden from having missionary-style sex on your bed. I don’t care if you feel you can only hit your peaks that way. Change it up!

I’m your SPS (Sexual Positioning System), and here is your suggested route, which will lead you away from drinking too much and having regretful sex with a neighbor or coworker:

Bathroom–more specifically bent over the sink, in the tub, in the shower, or on the toilet:

  • Good: Nothing is cushy, so nobody should fall asleep during it. You have various lotions available at arm’s length. Ooh, a razor. Look, a towel–what a handy baby-batter-picker-upper.
  • Bad: Toilet seats break. Tiles can leave odd marks on posteriors. You’ll notice those spots you missed. Mirrors are not always our friends. Try to avoid seeing your O-face.


  • Good: It reminds one of the giddy teenage years. Music is conveniently close by. The woman has to do most of the work, as usual.
  • Bad: Leather seats make farting noises. Windows fog. The steering wheel and rear view mirror tend to get in the way.


  • Good: The additional sensations of the elements, such as wind and dew. Fluids are disposed of in the most bio-friendly ways possible.
  • Bad: Sand, grass, or pebbles in ass crack. In a word: YouTube.

Pool or Hot Tub:

  • Good: Additional lubrication provided free of charge. Chlorine sterilizes, to a certain extent.
  • Bad: Floating sex goo and the possibility of encountering some that isn’t yours. Air bubbles are often assumed to be rising farts.


  • Good: Access to sex aids, including food and frozen goodies. Counters are conveniently set at penis height, depending on your nationality.
  • Bad: I was looking forward to having cucumber slices on my salad, and now … ew, just ew.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.