FADE IN: EXT - STREET - DAY MORMON SILVER is pulling up to Beatrice Plastique's office in his Jeep. As he parks and walks up to her office, he narrates. MORMON (VO) My name is Mormon Silver, and women leave their marks on me. I need to understand the effect they have, so I send a Tweet with Twitter to a local billionairess, Beatrice Plastique. MORMON (SUBTITLED) @BPlastique, you enchant me and I'd love to interview you for my blog. #whynot MORMON (VO) I never expected a reply. Then... BEA (SUBTITLED) @MormonSilver, I'm tied up at the moment, but I'll fit you in soon. #whysure MORMON (VO) I bite my bottom lip and feel a twitch in my board shorts. She's only thirty-three, whereas I'm in the late autumn of my life at fifty. Would I have a chance at the legend? Her assistant, Eric, set up this meeting for me. I would never be the same. INT - OFFICE WAITING ROOM - DAY Mormon enters office and is greeted by Bea's assistant, ERIC, who checks out Mormon, head-to-toe. ERIC You must be Mr. Silver. MORMON Call me Mormon. ERIC Hmm. MORMON Yes? ERIC Are those Nudie jeans? MORMON Yes, in fact they are. ERIC Spin for me, darling. MORMON All right. Mormon smirks and spins. Eric is pleased. ERIC Wonderful. My name is Eric. I'm Ms. Plastique's personal assistant. MORMON Nice meeting you, Eric. Eric hands Mormon a piece of paper. ERIC This is an Interview Non-Disclosure Agreement. Please review it, initial each line, and sign at the bottom. Can I fetch you a chai latte? MORMON That would be awesome. Thank you. Eric leaves Mormon in the waiting area. Mormon reads the paper and smiles as he initials each clause. MORMON (VO) Number one, interviewer will not look at interviewee's eyes, breasts, or feet unless directed by interviewee. Two, Interviewer will allow interviewee to touch him as she pleases without disclosing it in his blog. Yes! Three, Interviewer will answer questions honestly concerning his sexual stamina and history. Wait a minute, who's interviewing whom? Four, Interviewee reserves the right to bathe interviewer and demand he wear the cologne and robe of her choice. Well, I am a dirty boy. Five, Interviewee enjoys gentle hair pulling, neck nibbling, light spanking, nipple clamps, indirect clitoral pressure, and hockey playoffs. MORMON He shoots; he scores! Go Flyers! ERIC Excuse me? MORMON Oh, nothing. Mormon signs the bottom and brings it to Eric. MORMON (CONT'D) Here you go. Eric doesn't take the paper. Instead, picks up the phone. ERIC Mr. Silver is here for you. (beat) OK, I'll send him in. Eric hangs up and gestures toward her door. ERIC (CONT'D) Ms. Plastique will see you now. Please go right in. You can take that with you. MORMON All right. INT - BEA'S OFFICE - DAY Mormon enters to find BEATRICE PLASTIQUE, sitting behind a glass desk staring at her Mac. Her hair is golden, her skin is glowing, and her square-rimmed reading glasses hang on the tip of her nose. She doesn't look up. Mormon approaches her desk and extends the agreement. BEA Have a seat, Mr. Silver. I'll be right with you. MORMON Please call me Mormon. Mormon extends a hand to shake. Bea ignores him. BEA Sit down, Mormon... Mormon sits. BEA (CONT'D) ...and take off your shoes. MORMON All right. Mormon removes his shoes, revealing his silver argyle socks. Bea peeks under her desk. BEA Silver socks. Interesting. MORMON Thank you. May I call you Beatrice? Bea finally removes her glasses and looks up at Mormon. BEA No. You may call me Bea. MORMON All right. Bea, as you can see, this NDA has been signed by me. BEA Would you like more tea? MORMON Thank you, no, and touchÃ©, my sweetpea. I do have a question about the ground rules before we begin. BEA Yes? MORMON It's odd not being able to look you in the eyes. Where shall I look? BEA How about at my lips? MORMON Holy shit. Bea leans forward, obviously agitated. BEA What did you say? MORMON Um, sorry. BEA I have this thing about swear words. MORMON I apologize. I won't let it happen again. BEA Why? I didn't say it's a bad thing, did I? MORMON Huh? BEA Look, Silver, although I don't use swear words, I'm not your typical lady. When a lover uses coarse language it makes me damp down there. MORMON That's fucking hot! BEA You're not a lover, Silver ... not yet. MORMON OK, I know you're a busy woman, so let's begin. Mormon wriggles uncomfortably in his chair, pulls his reading glasses from his shirt collar, slides them to the base of his nose, and flips open a legal pad. BEA Don't do that. MORMON Bea, I can't see the questions I've prepared without my glasses. BEA Don't touch your nose. MORMON What? Why? Mormon touches his nose again and squeezes the tip. BEA Stop. I'm warning you, Silver. MORMON Does it gross you out? Sorry. BEA No, it turns me on. MORMON My nose? BEA No, the act of touching it. MORMON Do you want to touch my nose? BEA What? No. MORMON I'm sorry. Have I missed something? BEA You don't understand my world. It's nothing you've ever been exposed to. I have certain needs and fetishes, and I can't expect you to comprehend them. MORMON Nose fetishes? BEA That's one. I'll try to explain it to you, but you're not writing about this. Agreed? MORMON Agreed. Mormon removes his glasses and touches his nose again. BEA Oh, my god! Please stop. MORMON Either tell me or I'll do it again. BEA Fine. Your nose reminds me of my big beefy clitoris and when you touch it, it's like you're touching me. MORMON There's no fucking way your clit is as big as my Italian schnoz. Bea slaps her hands on the top of her desk, stands, and glares at Mormon. BEA You just used the F-word again. MORMON Bet your kinky fucking ass I did. Bea flies over the table, knocking the chair and Mormon over. She's on top of him in full mount and balls his shirt in each fist. BEA You're going to hockey bang me right here, right now, Silver, or I'm going to yell rape and have my assistant beat you to a bloody puddle. MORMON Hockey bang? ...
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