Fifty Shades Effed – Chapter Nine

Fifty Shades Effed - Chapter Nine

I enjoy a much-needed nap, while the limo driver sits in Starbucks reading the newspaper. I’m startled awake by knocking on the limo door. Probably a homeless dude looking for spare change. I peek and see that it is Bea, so I push the lever and open the doors. Bea enters with two of her friends.

“What’s this? Is the party over already?”
“No, it’s just beginning,” Bea insists. “These are my friends. I believe you already met Emily.”
“Yes, the bartender.”
“Indeed. She also happens to be from my home town in Canada.”
“And, this is Luca.”
“Aw, what a nice name,” I compliment as I shake her hand. All three women are tipsy. Something strange is about to happen. I sense it.
“Luca is from Naples.”
“Ah, bella!” I respond as I turn her hand over and kiss her knuckles. “Wait a minute. Canadian, Italian: Does this have something to do with our Olympics?”
“Yes, it does. These fine ladies are occasional lovers …”
“Yes! Oops. I mean, oh, how interesting.”
“… and they have agreed to participate in our next event. Uncle M, you will be coaching Luca and I will coach Emily.”
“All right. Is this the javelin toss?”
“Close. I’m going to need that strap on,” Bea informs as she begins undoing my pants again. “Here’s how this works: Each participant will take turns strapping on Rex here. The other will be on the receiving end. The one who takes in the most length wins.”
“Ha! Impossible!”

Bea removes Cockasaurus Rex from my waist and holds it out. It’s huge. No human could ever…

Luca takes Rex from Bea and sneers, “You’re going to need a bigger dildo.”
“That’s my girl.”

We turn on Timberlake, dim the lights, and ring the bell. First up is Emily. Luca straps the beast on while Emily lifts her skirt and removes her thong. She conveniently has a tube of Astroglide in her purse, which she applies liberally. Lovergirl sits next to me as we watch the first attempt. The women kneel. Luca holds steady while Emily backs into her.

“There’s just no way,” I insist.
“Come on, Emily. You can do it.”

Luca slides the tip up and down Emily’s hungry slit. If she can take the head alone, I’ll be impressed. Emily arches, lowers her shoulders, and pushes back into Luca. The entire head enters. Emily’s face shows pleasure, not pain, as does Luca’s. Luca pulls out a bit and pushes in farther. Emily cringes and gets another inch in, and another, and another. What a trooper, eh?

“That’s it, Emily. Oh, Can-a-daaaah …,” Bea sings.

Emily is able to stuff in another inch before she’s “full.” Luca smirks while Emily dismounts and unstraps. Bea takes Rex and surveys the damage.

“Fucking impressive,” I admit.

Bea marks the progress with her lip gloss. The thing is as big as my fist and she got a good six-plus inches in. Italy is doomed.

Emily straps on the beast and glazes some fresh lube on as Luca removes her jeans and undies. She has a quiet, confident look. Luca kneels in front of Emily, doggie-style as well. Emily presses the head again Luca’s glistening pussy. Her lips part and she takes the head.

“Yes! Do it,” I encourage.

Luca grimaces as she takes inch after inch, but she’s an inch shy of the mark, and Rex is bending.

“Hold Rex still, Emily. Come on, Luca.”
“No, I can’t. It’s … just … too … big.”
“Are you giving up?” Bea asks, but I interrupt.
“Don’t you dare! You can do this, Luca,” I encourage as Luca gives me an exasperated glance. “Use the force, Luca.”

Luca lowers her chest to the floor, breathes quickly like a woman in labor, and pushes back, taking that final inch plus another for good measure.

Italy 2, Canada 1.

About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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