Fifty Shades Effed – Chapter Four


I’m greeted at the door of the Hustler Store by a lovely young lady wearing an apron. She asks if I need help. Lots. Do I dare ask about the apron? No.

It’s a vast store with stripper wear on the first floor and stairs leading up to the loft of kinkery.

“My name is Nelly. Do you have anything special in mind?”
“I don’t even know where to begin, Nelly.”
“Well,” she asks, “is it for a man or a woman?”
“For this man’s woman.”
“Excellent. What does she enjoy?”
“Overtime goals and zucchini.”
“Um …”
“Right. You can see my predicament.”

She leads me along a wall of dildos and vibrators. I’m not one to blush, but this place has me crimson.

“What does this do?” I ask while attempting to read the price without touching the U-shaped device.
“Ah, this one is very popular. You have a good eye, Sir.” She sounds like she’s selling me a BMW. “This vibrator stimulates the woman, both inside and out.”

I stand perplexed.

“Her clitoris and her G-spot.”
“Of course. I’d like one in purple. Oh, and someone stole my Fukuoku Glove, so I’ll need one of those too–in black, please. Anything else you can recommend?”
“Do you have bacon-flavored?”
“Kidding. Something minty will do.”
“Excellent. Anything else? Perhaps more advanced devices for the adventuresome?”
“Bring it.”

She leads me over to the corner with triangular dildo-ish toys and strings with different sized beads and a ring that reminds me of the merry-go-round ride of my childhood.

“Do you know what these are?”
“Dog toys?”
“No, silly, these are for anal play.” Ouch. “These are butt plugs and these are anal beads. They’ll both go well with your minty lube. Have you used either before?”
“Of course, I have. I’m a skilled plugologist.”
“Great. Then, you’ll require his and hers.”
“Whoa, Nelly–only hers.”
“Ever tried it?”
“How about a pinky?” she gestures.
“You know, during a blowjob. It heightens the sensation.”
“Exit only.”
“Don’t be like that. It doesn’t mean you’re gay. The anus is quite sensitive and pleasurable.”
“Yes, it is,” adds a boy-stander I’m unaware is standing by me. “You must try the beads too. They all go in except the ring, and just when you’re ready to pop, have your lover yank them out with the ring. Heavenly!”

My virgin butt hole puckers as I try to digest their suggestions.

“Fine. Double bag them. Here’s my card.”

Lovergirl has me outmatched, but I plan to prove I can hang. I’ll whip out my new arsenal and wear her ass (tee, hee) out before she leaves for her girls’ night. Shit! I almost forgot.

“I also need a big black strap-on.”
“Will The Cockasaurus Rex do?” she asks while dangling something resembling a toasted Genao Salami in front of me.
“I believe it will.”

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Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.