Fifty Shades Effed – Chapter Fifteen

Fifty Shades Effed - Chapter Fifteen

On the day of my uprising, I pick up my clown costume, makeup, and a large banner. I take it all to Bea’s office so she can put my face on. Eric greets me as I enter.

“How are you, Mormon?”
“Insanity in progress, and today should prove it. Make sure you watch the news tonight. Did you get in contact with Matt from Fox?”
“You bet. Here’s his mobile. He said to text him when ready.”
“You are the man, Eric.”
“… but, I’ll play the woman, occasionally.”
“Something looks different on you. Have you lost weight?”
“I shaved.”
“Ah, sexy.”
“Thank you.”

Bea greets me and we go into her office. Ah, this is where the lovin’ started.

“OK, babyface, what are you up to?” she asks.
“I’d rather not say. This way, if my plot blows up, you won’t be implicated. But, if this goes as planned, Chris will get his comeuppance.”
“Ooh, you said ‘come.'”
“Behave. I need you to put this clown makeup on my face.”
“Hm, never had sex with a clown.”
“All right. Do this and my red nose and I will fuck you silly.”

Bea does a great job making my face match my maniacal thoughts. Naturally, she mounts me the second I finish putting on the costume.

“Leave that zipper down, Uncle M. You promised.”
“All aboard, Lovergirl,” I demand.

The clown outfit is ridiculous: over-sized, white shoes, silver argyle socks, a black and white jumpsuit rolled up to my knees, a silver wig, and a black top hat. I hope I don’t cause any accidents on the way downtown.

When I arrive at the Park & Ride, most of the kids are already there, playing catch in the parking lot. I’m wisely armed with candy, which I hand out while greeting the kids. My friend, Jeff, doesn’t recognize me.

“Hi, did Mormon hire … oh, Jesus.”
“What do you think?”
“You have completely lost your mind.”
“Oh, you haven’t seen anything yet,” I tease while I honk my toy horn.

The limo bus arrives and we climb aboard with fourteen kids all hyped up on sugar. We sing, dance, and tell fart jokes on the way to The Grey Towers. I send a text to Matt from Fox as we pull up. 

Mormon: Hey, Matt. Please meet us on the second parking level underground. Look for the black limo bus.
Matt: On our way.
Mormon: Will you be able to use a live feed from there?
Matt: Won’t be a problem.
Mormon: Excellent.

When we arrive, I ask the kids to wait in the bus while I open the fun house. I pull the banner from my bag and stick it to the wall. It reads, “Grey’s Funhouse,” and has a big arrow, which points to the doorway. I pull out my iPhone and cross my fingers as I click the link. I hear the buzzing and unlatching. Yes! I open the door to the Blue Room.

“Come on in, kids!”

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.