Fashion Advice for the Clueless

Straight men rarely evaluate their targets based on how fashion appropriate they are. We are more concerned with the contents than the cover. I’m not saying women aren’t interested in what lies beneath, but they certainly give more weight to what he’s wearing.

This causes me problems. The more I realize how I’m being evaluated, the darker and more loose-fitting my clothes become. As I sit on the weight bench trying to do one more set, I wonder why I need biceps when they’ll be covered in black fabric.

Women are crafty about how they provide guidance. The one I sat next to last night pointed toward brother man-beast (whom I thought was a fit and attractive young fella) and gave me her take.

“His hat is too large. It gives him a pinhead look. He should shave that awful mustache. And, please, don’t ever go out wearing a T-shirt. That’s just inappropriate.”

“Huh? We’re at a casual cantina.”

“So? Are you under 30?”

“Um, no. Been thirty almost twice.”

“Then you need to stick to polos.”

“What? I wear black T-shirts all the time.”

“Yeah, and you’re single, aren’t you?”

“Yes, at this moment I happen to be single. You’re claiming it’s due to my donning the blackness?”

“Twofold. I’m saying it’s one reason, and if you had a girlfriend, she wouldn’t let you go out wearing a T-shirt. They’re meant to be undershirts, unless you’re twenty and time-traveling back to the sixties.”

“Jesus Christ. Anything else?”

“Stand up and pirouette.”


I did, well aware that if I had asked her to stand and spin, I would have been slapped, then brained by a bouncer. She complimented the rest of my outfit by describing it as “fine.” I realized that word was used in the sense of “acceptable” not “exceptional.” I took it graciously, anyway.

As we fast-forward this story, does it end with me banging the pretentiousness out of her? No. Indeed, I considered how rewarding it would be to make her wear my Ozzy T-shirt while ramming her raw.

Then, it hit me.

Do women diss men out of a desire to be fucked angrily? Has she heard enough mushy slop from her previous lover? Does she want her hair pulled, neck bitten, and ass smacked? Does she want me whispering from behind how I’m going to fuck her so hard she’ll need to sit on an inner tube for a week?


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Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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