Facebook Love is PDA

… and, it’s gross. Being in a relatively permanent state of singledom, my cynicism gets the best of me, again. That’s why I hate happy couple pictures.

“Look at us. Look how happy we are with each other. We are a perfect match. Soul mates. Look at these smiles. You only wish you could find a love like this. Two is better than one. We’ll die together in bliss.”

Nope.

You see, single peeps like me all know that each huggy, kissy, feet-at-the-beach pic that’s posted is one step closer to becoming a time-consuming task in the inevitable post-breakup cleanup of all social media profiles. That’s why we post pics of food, pets, and funny shit—they’re immortal. (My Chicken Piccata is a fond memory that will never hurt me, barring a batch of bad capers.) This way, when the next bedmate comes along and decides to Facebook-stalk us, we have no explaining to do.

“Odd, you don’t have pics with girlfriends on your timeline. Not many long-term relationships?”

“My selfie stick has narrow focus.”

“Huh?”

“Babycakes, it’s not that I’m not in relationships, and it’s not like I don’t have pictures of exes. In fact, I have a folder of juicy, quite-useful ones. I simply choose not to share them.”

“Why?”

“Perhaps, because I’m not a ‘Like’ whore?”

I think the main reason people post all those lovey pictures is insecurity. They need to remind themselves how great not being single is, and others to avoid treading on their love. Kind of like online peeing on their property. I think the time spent gathering, cropping, filtering, and posting those pics with clever captions would be better spent on a sofa next to a shrink.

Unconvinced? I’m just an angry fella? All right. What would happen if I posted a picture of me with a paper fan made of $100 bills, with the caption: “Hey, look what I have?” I’d get some likes and positive congratulatory comments. Those are lies, of course. The actual reaction would be some combination of:

  • So what?
  • Who did you steal it from?
  • I should steal it from you.
  • What an arrogant asswad!
  • Let’s see if you have it next week.

I’m telling you, the same applies to posting pics with a lover-du-jour. The tilty-headed, “Aw, that’s nice” reactions are insincere, socially-programmed, forced responses to keep the public convinced that the commenter is truly a kind, supportive person, not an annoyed about-to-puke human who was just looking for a funny distraction from a mundane existence, when he stumbled upon the happy couple.

Sorry, that does sound angry. I’ll go search kitten pics.

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Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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